Why
Why is it so hard for some people to understand that you need to take a step in someone's shoes to understand how they feel....why they are really doing what they are doing. Why can't they do that? Why can't I always do that? Why can't you?? As much as you say you don't love your sister or your mom...I know you do. They are the ones you've got when no one else is there. I want to be there for you, but I can't. I can't even help myself so far right now. It's really hard. You say she's treating you with unjust...okay, same with my mom...Maybee not the same situation, but same deal. My mom always yells at me and worrying about my little sister and younger brother. I never hear her talk about me. It is ever so rare to even hear her say she worries about me, but I know she does. She might not say it, but I know it. You should know it too with your mom because there is no mom in the world that doesn't care about their child. Yes there is always favoritism, but really...she loves you all...just in different ways. If she doesn't care about you and abuses you then she's just inhumane. However, she shows that she worries about your sister more because she's more vulnerable to harm than you. Usually it is the older child who is independent, but everything is possible...making impossible possible. I'm the oldest child and I know...I have to be independent and I have to stand up even when I can't because I have two others that look up to me. I had to step into my mom's shoes to understand that she does care for me. Just like how I am, I can't really tell her how I feel. I can't say sorry, thank you, you're welcome, I love you to her. I just simply don't know why. I look at Jessica and her mom and I wish I had a good relation with my mom like that, but like Mrs. Wu said, "Sometimes, you just won't ever get close to your mom and sometimes you will." It's sad to think that it probably won't happen, but I don't know. I don't have much time left.
Now school....seriously, I've been at the point of giving up so much, but then I also have a strong heart of doing what I want and getting a better future. I've read To Kill A Mockingbird and it's totally changed my view on life. I'll admit I have no idea why she would write the book, but I now know that just because someone who is intelligent uses a variety of good diction doesn't mean those words mean anything. Make sense? As in, just because someone uses fancy words doesn't mean that those words have feeling, meaning, or that the person is smart. I've always thought that smart would be someone that gets good grades, but really...anyone can. Being smart is figuring right from wrong. The other day in Spanish before the 3 day break for Martin Luther King Jr., Mrs. Birinyi told us she would stop giving us homework after seeing a Race to Nothing. It was interviews of students put together to see how we all race to get to college, but in the end, we are really going nowhere with our education system. They said that the way we are learning....teachers are just preparing and teaching students how to copy and cheat better, not actually learning something with our own mind. They also said that students learn in high school, but when they got to college...they were unprepared because they were used to having instructions given and following it, but not just independent thoughts and work. I find this very true because we COPY notes, we COPY answers, we COPY homework, we copy almost everything in school...believe it or not. I've learned to cheat pretty well too to be honest and really....copying and cheating gets us nowhere. We're not learning anything...all we're doing is memorizing a bunch of info/facts/formulas. What good is that gonna do when we're just going to forget it in a matter of weeks and if not....over summer. Myself, is enough of an example of copying/cheating/memorizing...and seriously...I suck at memorizing. I can work and obey to what you want me to do, but if you're telling to just do something that I've never done before without instructions...I can't do it because I wouldn't know how. I'm really glad I didn't take AVID or else I would have been like my brother, but worse. I've been so tired and stressing out soooo much...getting acne, scars, white hair, wrinkles, and etc. It really sucks and I'm only 15 (almost 16)...would you believe that? I look fucking OLD.
Speaking of which, I totally hate how I look...before, I had time to look at myself and point out good things. Now...I don't even have the time to sit and relax or sleep a full 8 hours on a weekday. I don't even feel beautiful. I seriously feel like shit and I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I'm in pain. I'm not just tired, but I'm like literally tired...the tired where your eyes hurt, your back aches, your legs hurt, and when you lie down in bed after a long day....you feel like you're going to break into small little pieces on that bed. That's how tired I am, but I wake because I need to put this out. I'm tired of looking ugly and holding a damn smile. I'm tired of the world being unjust and where Christians/Catholics say GOD LOVES ALL, but there's people that say he hates gays.....what sense does that make? Are you even human? I'm tired of losing people, of fake friends, of my family being poor, of my mom being sick, of her getting worse, of me having to put positive thoughts in my mind to just keep myself going. I'm so tired of being alone in a crowded room when before I was so used to being the one with the crowd's attention. I'm so tired of being single...it's been more than a year and even Jackie has a boyfriend. I bet you it's karma coming back to get me. I hate it. I hate it all.
I hate how he doesn't notice me when he says all he looks for is personality and how they act towards him. Well what about me???? Don't you notice what I do for you? Don't you notice the way I look at you? How I care about how you are? How I keep asking you to go on aim so I can talk to you on there too, but I stopped because you don't even go on anymore? How I feel like I have no feelings for you, but I know I like you. Don't you notice that you're the only one that I've made a birthday present for this school year that took like 5 hours? Don't you notice the words that I choose oh so carefully to tell you? Don't you see it? I want to impress you so badly because I know your expectations are high. Everytime you describe the girl you would like to have....I know the only thing that I don't have is looks and well....I just don't know how much longer this could go on. It hurts a lot. It really does. Goodnight.
Now school....seriously, I've been at the point of giving up so much, but then I also have a strong heart of doing what I want and getting a better future. I've read To Kill A Mockingbird and it's totally changed my view on life. I'll admit I have no idea why she would write the book, but I now know that just because someone who is intelligent uses a variety of good diction doesn't mean those words mean anything. Make sense? As in, just because someone uses fancy words doesn't mean that those words have feeling, meaning, or that the person is smart. I've always thought that smart would be someone that gets good grades, but really...anyone can. Being smart is figuring right from wrong. The other day in Spanish before the 3 day break for Martin Luther King Jr., Mrs. Birinyi told us she would stop giving us homework after seeing a Race to Nothing. It was interviews of students put together to see how we all race to get to college, but in the end, we are really going nowhere with our education system. They said that the way we are learning....teachers are just preparing and teaching students how to copy and cheat better, not actually learning something with our own mind. They also said that students learn in high school, but when they got to college...they were unprepared because they were used to having instructions given and following it, but not just independent thoughts and work. I find this very true because we COPY notes, we COPY answers, we COPY homework, we copy almost everything in school...believe it or not. I've learned to cheat pretty well too to be honest and really....copying and cheating gets us nowhere. We're not learning anything...all we're doing is memorizing a bunch of info/facts/formulas. What good is that gonna do when we're just going to forget it in a matter of weeks and if not....over summer. Myself, is enough of an example of copying/cheating/memorizing...and seriously...I suck at memorizing. I can work and obey to what you want me to do, but if you're telling to just do something that I've never done before without instructions...I can't do it because I wouldn't know how. I'm really glad I didn't take AVID or else I would have been like my brother, but worse. I've been so tired and stressing out soooo much...getting acne, scars, white hair, wrinkles, and etc. It really sucks and I'm only 15 (almost 16)...would you believe that? I look fucking OLD.
Speaking of which, I totally hate how I look...before, I had time to look at myself and point out good things. Now...I don't even have the time to sit and relax or sleep a full 8 hours on a weekday. I don't even feel beautiful. I seriously feel like shit and I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I'm in pain. I'm not just tired, but I'm like literally tired...the tired where your eyes hurt, your back aches, your legs hurt, and when you lie down in bed after a long day....you feel like you're going to break into small little pieces on that bed. That's how tired I am, but I wake because I need to put this out. I'm tired of looking ugly and holding a damn smile. I'm tired of the world being unjust and where Christians/Catholics say GOD LOVES ALL, but there's people that say he hates gays.....what sense does that make? Are you even human? I'm tired of losing people, of fake friends, of my family being poor, of my mom being sick, of her getting worse, of me having to put positive thoughts in my mind to just keep myself going. I'm so tired of being alone in a crowded room when before I was so used to being the one with the crowd's attention. I'm so tired of being single...it's been more than a year and even Jackie has a boyfriend. I bet you it's karma coming back to get me. I hate it. I hate it all.
I hate how he doesn't notice me when he says all he looks for is personality and how they act towards him. Well what about me???? Don't you notice what I do for you? Don't you notice the way I look at you? How I care about how you are? How I keep asking you to go on aim so I can talk to you on there too, but I stopped because you don't even go on anymore? How I feel like I have no feelings for you, but I know I like you. Don't you notice that you're the only one that I've made a birthday present for this school year that took like 5 hours? Don't you notice the words that I choose oh so carefully to tell you? Don't you see it? I want to impress you so badly because I know your expectations are high. Everytime you describe the girl you would like to have....I know the only thing that I don't have is looks and well....I just don't know how much longer this could go on. It hurts a lot. It really does. Goodnight.
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