On the Run; Life is but a Dream

"I'm a hustler, baby"

I'm really tired of being dumb and complaining. I need to go do whatever it takes to get what I want. Rome didn't get built in a day. Building who I am is going to take a lot more obstacles and stuff, but it will be worth it in the end - the whole result of what I have done, am doing, and will do. I've been feeling really down lately because of all the shit that's been happening.

With Tiffany, I honestly don't even know what to believe in anymore. How can you ask people to believe both stories when both stories are really different? She doesn't think that they are, but they are...especially when you tell people them at different times. When you tell the others the whole story at once, then of course they're going to believe whatever you say. But each time you tell that story again, it is so different from the first time and you only build on it. And maybe you are telling the truth, but it is really late. It's not that I don't want to believe you. It's that it's hard to believe. What?...do I believe? What does the Dean believe? You tell us, but think about it...it is two different stories. So good luck to you if you win the hearing, but I can't do anything, and there's not really any use in convincing me because I don't know the truth. No one will really know except for yourself.

I'm really tired of Derek being insensitive. He expects me to listen to him, and I know he will listen to what I have to say too, but then he calls me too sensitive. He puts me down rather than helps to support me or helps to make me feel better. I finally called him a best friend and then he goes and fucks it up. It takes a lot for me to call someone that. Not everyone earns that title easily, yet he always makes me retrace and take it back. I would like to stay friends, I really would, but what can he do for me? I know I should be grateful for what he's done for me in support, driving up to SB, and taking me places and stuff, but if it's going to come to the expense of my happiness, I really can't do it. I've bit my tongue many times and have shed many tears for him to have him crush it again and again. I really don't want to deal with the bull shit he's putting me through. I don't even know how to reply to his text because it's really inconsiderate. Yeah, so what if I am sensitive. So what if I am being negative. Tell me to cut my shit out and support me. Help me get better from being negative. I honestly can't help it, feeling down or depressed or whatever. It's not in my control. I'm trying my best to be better, but sometimes it just gets to me. I feel like he and lots of people aren't able to understand this and it's really sad to think because....many people commit suicide because no one is willing to fucking listen to them. Even those closest to you can be little shits and forget that you have feelings and that these things are so serious and important. They disregard it as another bad day, and yes, it can be a bad day, but people need to learn to be a little more sensitive and realize that others have feelings too. That the world does not just revolve around them. I cannot stress this enough. I'm not saying I know all the answers to everything and especially this, but if we all just took a bit of time to be more caring and a little bit to listen, it would save so many lives. It would make life a bit easier and a little bit happier for everyone knowing that there's people who care and are out there trying to make things better. Then Tiffany tells me the same thing. It really angers me. Just. Listen. That's all you have to fucking do. Listen and realize that you're going against everything you're saying. Yeah, it sucks because people don't understand. I totally get that, but again, it is because you people don't listen. I get that you can't change how you are because you're so "logical," but just because one is logical, doesn't make one inhuman. You have a heart and you have a mind. Please use it. Honestly, criticize me. Put me down. I will take it all and I will rise before you all. I am so done with caring for people that "care" about me, but honestly if it came down to that, no one is there to really help me. You have to work for everything yourself. You can't depend on others to do the shit for you because now you are not in control of your own life, and plus, you just can't depend on others. 

I'm really tired of Catherine, Luz, and Kelly's drama. I think they're all misunderstanding each other...and instead of being adults about and just confronting each other...they're just being little high schoolers and gossiping within each other. It's making things worse and it's disgusting me because I want to be happy. I want to hang out with people that are happy to be with each other, and if they are not at the moment...that they want to work things out for the better and then live their lives rather than fight over pitiless things. All this negativity is affecting me and I can't wait to get away from that. I can't wait to talk to them. I hope things can get better, but if not, then I don't know.

I need to pick up my shit with school too. I did so well last quarter and now, where did all my motivation go?? There's no more time to stall Anneeeeeee.

Then with Peter...why am I overthinking so much? Why can't I just return to the first month or two when I began to realize that I truly like him? It was the first time in which I felt like I openly liked someone and was able to talk to them and ask them to hang out without worrying, but then because I guess I lost that confidence in myself, I began to over-think. I began to think about everything negative and honestly, it's doing me no good. I just want to enjoy the times I have with the people I enjoy being around. 

There's so much other shit, but I really don't want to talk about it...it will get better one day so yeah. I just hope the next two months of school will end just fine.