Disappearing
I think the thing I want most in this time is to disappear. Just get away from everybody and stop life for awhile. I know that means pushing away the people I hold close, but even they don't always seem to be there for me. I know it sounds dumb and even dramatic to say, but I'm practically sobbing as I'm writing this, and even before this. I know life has hit me so hard before so many times, and has continuously knocked me down from year to year, but man, it never gets any less or any easier. It's always something new, and if it's not, it only gets worse. Or, you just have to deal with something again that you really never wanted to deal with in the first place. I think I always think of "Silver Linings Playbook" because I find it really relatable. I feel like I always care way too much, but then others never give a shit about me. Like I can give and give and give because that's who I am, but then when I just want for someone to listen or care for me, I have no one. No one is there. Even Derek practically seems to have given up on me. He just goes to sleep. Every. Single. Time. Even though he says he would talk to me. It's kind of bull shit in my head. I don't know why I've been so emotional lately or whatever the fuck this is. I keep crying and thinking about all these negative thoughts. Like why? But then the next moment, I'm so happy. What the actual fuck. I just want to live a mellow life. I just want to ride it through and not have so many obstacles. It builds character, but fuck man, I don't want to keep fighting any more. I'm so tired. I have the apartment to worry about....the bills, and getting the stuff for the apartment and all that. And I hate it because I take that frustration out on my family when I shouldn't. It makes me feel like such a shitty person for doing that, but sometimes I can't help it. Financial instability makes one almost insane in this country because I feel so stuck that I feel like I can't do anything. I literally have like probably $12 in my account right now, and like, I need to check if I have rent for next month, etc.
I feel like I'm losing my best friend, and she seems like she's angry at me. I don't really want to talk about that right now, but it's almost stupid. Why are you going to be angry at me? You don't even understand. No one understands.
And Derek. You really don't understand. Sometimes I'm perfectly fine with us being friends. Sometimes I'm really not. I'm torn between being here and being friends, and leaving. Being friends is wonderful. I love spending time with you and doing everything that we do, but there's a lot of hurt behind all this that you don't even know about yourself. It seems like at this moment, you really could care less about what hurts me anyway. So as I say this, I want you to know that it does upset me that you care less. I know that people care in different ways. They show their affection differently, but even if you cared about me differently from the way that I do - which I know I show a lot of my feelings - if we are so called "Best Friends", don't you think the care should be mutual? I guess I'm wrong, but I thought it would be. Even if you don't show it the way that I do, you would care about me as much as I do you. I think about when I drove up to you because I thought you were stranded, and somehow, I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever done. I risk a lot for you under my parents. I don't know why I do it because I can get into so much trouble, not even including getting into car accidents or getting caught without insurance. I mean, but if you care less, then is it necessary for you to tell me when I'm feeling like shit that you care less. Though you "still care," you just "care less" than I do. It really doesn't make me feel better. How would you feel if I told you that I care about you less. I don't think you can even try to interpret that because you're not being empathetic/sympathetic right now. It makes me feel like I'm doing way too much, and that I'm being stupid, but I can't help it because that is who I am....I am going to always be caring for people, because if I don't, I will feel like a shitty and useless person. I think about how...maybe I'm really insecure and dumb and stuff, but even if I am, regardless of that, I don't give myself enough credit. I know I am strong, but to have those closest to you say it to your face that they don't care as much as you do about this is heart wrenching. You question me, asking what I take you for...and honestly, sometimes you say pretty shitty things. Like what you just said. You said that I'm insulting, but like the way that you treat me with these words...I'm not likely to be suicidal, but I'm really hurt.
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know my eyes are going to stay puffy and ugh. I just want to block you and never talk to you again, but I know that I want to because you're my friend. How could I? But do you hear yourself?
I feel like I'm losing my best friend, and she seems like she's angry at me. I don't really want to talk about that right now, but it's almost stupid. Why are you going to be angry at me? You don't even understand. No one understands.
And Derek. You really don't understand. Sometimes I'm perfectly fine with us being friends. Sometimes I'm really not. I'm torn between being here and being friends, and leaving. Being friends is wonderful. I love spending time with you and doing everything that we do, but there's a lot of hurt behind all this that you don't even know about yourself. It seems like at this moment, you really could care less about what hurts me anyway. So as I say this, I want you to know that it does upset me that you care less. I know that people care in different ways. They show their affection differently, but even if you cared about me differently from the way that I do - which I know I show a lot of my feelings - if we are so called "Best Friends", don't you think the care should be mutual? I guess I'm wrong, but I thought it would be. Even if you don't show it the way that I do, you would care about me as much as I do you. I think about when I drove up to you because I thought you were stranded, and somehow, I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever done. I risk a lot for you under my parents. I don't know why I do it because I can get into so much trouble, not even including getting into car accidents or getting caught without insurance. I mean, but if you care less, then is it necessary for you to tell me when I'm feeling like shit that you care less. Though you "still care," you just "care less" than I do. It really doesn't make me feel better. How would you feel if I told you that I care about you less. I don't think you can even try to interpret that because you're not being empathetic/sympathetic right now. It makes me feel like I'm doing way too much, and that I'm being stupid, but I can't help it because that is who I am....I am going to always be caring for people, because if I don't, I will feel like a shitty and useless person. I think about how...maybe I'm really insecure and dumb and stuff, but even if I am, regardless of that, I don't give myself enough credit. I know I am strong, but to have those closest to you say it to your face that they don't care as much as you do about this is heart wrenching. You question me, asking what I take you for...and honestly, sometimes you say pretty shitty things. Like what you just said. You said that I'm insulting, but like the way that you treat me with these words...I'm not likely to be suicidal, but I'm really hurt.
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know my eyes are going to stay puffy and ugh. I just want to block you and never talk to you again, but I know that I want to because you're my friend. How could I? But do you hear yourself?
Comments