-sigh- One of those days

I just want to be by myself. I feel really closed off, and I want it to be that way. I'm kinda just mentally tired of being around people where I have to try so hard. I guess I'm not that strong in that sense. I just need time to myself because I haven't had that. I also think it could be because I might be getting my period soon and my emotions are acting up. I hate it because it's irregular so I don't really know if that's the reason or not. And if it is, it sucks ass because I always get super fucking depressed over stupid shit that to me, isn't really stupid, but I guess if other people see it, they think it's stupid. But my feelings are valid and I don't even understand them myself. I want to go hiking, but he's going to go with them and then go kayaking with me. I get that I'm gonna be going to Disneyland so fuck it, why do I care? They are entitled to do other things if I don't do them with them. But like I want to go hiking, and it was going to be our thing on Saturday, but I guess plans changed for him and so he decides to go kayaking with me because they'll go hiking. This probably makes no fucking sense to you, but it's like bothering me. Then I just don't want to go to the Nixon library because I don't want to go with them. I don't want to drive that far out without telling my parents because I wasn't even planning to. I don't want to pick them up. I don't want to pay for gas. I don't want to go through the trouble of lying and all that shit for them when they're not worth it. They honestly could give two less shits about me. This is just a fun adventure for them to add to their lives and make it more hipster. I really don't want to deal with the shit that could happen if we get caught. I don't want to tell him I have insurance. I don't want to get in an accident. I just want to be home. I want to spend time with my family. I want to just be a better daughter and idk. IDK IDK IDK IDK IDKKKDKGFDfik lxnhbiorhid  gidfuck you don't understand how hard it is for me. My mind is a battlefield really. I can't help it. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to go. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I feel like shit.