To Derek
When I tell you that I feel like you've left me behind, it doesn't necessarily mean you've physically done that. It doesn't mean that you've stopped talking to me and have continued on without me. I know that you do still talk to me, but our circumstances/situations have changed. Last year, you would text me regardless of what you were doing, and even when you were busy, you still made time. Now you might think, well you still make time now even when you're busy. Yes, you do call me every so often and text me every so often, and answer the phone when I call, but the talk isn't the same. We can catch up and check up on each other, but it's just different. It's as if I saw someone I knew on the streets and they were like "How are you doing??" and I replied, "I'm good...I just got a job!"...the basic/generic stuff that doesn't really get into details and how people actually feel about it, unless you're telling someone you're close to. Does that make sense? I've told you this before, but before coming back to school this year, we would hang out and slowly it felt like we were just getting comfortable with each other. It was weird for me, and I don't think you realized it, but it was the first time I had that experience/feeling so I didn't know how to deal with it. Especially when all the times before, we would hang out and we would still want to hang out more afterwards, or continue texting each other paragraphs of ridiculous things. It felt even worse after having you come back from China, and that feeling didn't leave when I thought that it would leave after not seeing you for awhile. I talked to some people and they said it's normal to start feeling comfortable. I tried to accept that, and I do now. I don't really know where I'm going with this...I guess in the couple of weeks of time since the beginning of school, I was able to think about things. I know you've told me that just because you're busy or with Christina or whatever doesn't mean that we're going to stop talking/being friends. I understand that because it's not like this is the first time...I know people have lives and they have to do what they can. It's just that I kept trying to hang on because I felt the difference. I know you're happy with Christina. You ask me how I know, but it's not like it's hard to tell. Anyone who follows you on your social media would know that you guys are happy together...I mean, why else would you be together then right? Then you said that you just posted one picture so it's not like I can tell. Besides from social media, when you talked about her during the first week of knowing her, I already can tell that you enjoyed spending time with her. You didn't even need to tell me you were dating each other. The thing is though, I've had friends where we would always hang, but then when they got into a relationship, they probably don't notice it, but they push everything else out. This time though, I feel like you're not pushing everything away/losing friends because you're definitely still making friends, which is great, but I am so far away/not there and you don't text me as much...you said it yourself yesterday night. Because this time, you not only have Christina, but you're reconnecting with friends, I feel left out and as if I'm the only one that's pushed aside, it hurts a bit more.
Then the thing with feeling like I'm being taken for granted, I do feel that way. I'm not discrediting you for the times that you do pick me up or take me home or anything else that you've done for me. I do remember them and I am grateful to that because you've helped me in a lot of ways. I'm not comparing what you do for me because I know now that people show how they care in different ways. However, in the times that I've felt that way, I just didn't realize it/think about it too much because you're my friend. I don't need to think about those things. But I did feel that way when you would leave to go hang out with whoever it was that you were interested in. Now I'm not saying that EVERY time you did that, it made me sad or whatever, but in the days or nights when I did feel sad and needed to talk to you, you kind of have left. There was one night where you didn't want to talk anymore because you told me you were going to sleep. You didn't tell me "Oh, I'm just tired, can we talk about this tomorrow or something?" You had told me that you were going to sleep because you didn't want to deal with it. I understand that you want to sleep because you need sleep, but I was basically disregarded. It makes me feel as if I don't really matter as much to you because you would go out late and spend time with your other friends, but you wouldn't really do that with me. We did spend a couple times staying out late, but it's just like, you know we're close so it's as if there's no need to do certain things. That also points out when you tell me that you get angry and say mean things to me because you care about me/because we're close. Even if people are close, it doesn't excuse someone to be mean to the other just because you guys know each other well. With family, it's different (which it actually shouldn't be any different), but with friends, if anything, the closer you are, the better you treat them because you know the shit that you both go through. Now I'm not saying you have to always be polite and not cuss at me or whatever. Yes, call me out if I'm doing something dumb or something, but if you're tired and you want to hash out on me, it's not fair. I told you what I told you yesterday night because I trust you enough to tell you the truth. It was really hard for me to say those things to you, but I had to tell you because otherwise I would just keep thinking those things and it would just leave me with grudges against you. The thing is, I told you that since I've had time to think, I don't really even see these things as problems anymore; I don't know what they are. If anything, I'm just confiding in you how I felt/feel. The other thing was, I told you about the time when I went to go get you at Irvine and how I felt like I was doing way too much for you. I'm not comparing myself to you. Therefore, I'm really not here to say that I'm a better person than you because I know that if I was stuck in Irvine, you'd probably come get me too. I felt like I was doing way too much for you because not only did I drive up to Irvine, which I never really do, I took the car in the morning without telling my parents, and I suck at directions. So it was a lot for me. It was like my priority was you and though you are a priority, it was as if I was making you my only priority....so I needed a reality check on myself. So that's that.....anyway, I know that there are times when I say things and they hurt you, and it's not that I am clueless about them hurting you, but I say them because I am being honest with you. I apologize for hurting you in that sense, and for all the times lately in which we talk and it just doesn't end happily. I know there are things that I wish I could take back, but it doesn't work that way. When I left to SB, I felt like I was breaking away from my old self, that I was no longer the same person and that you were no longer who you were before we were friends. It felt as if you and I had become a part of each other's lives just to help both of us grow as people, and now that we've grown, there's nothing more. I do hope there's more though because I do miss talking to you. I miss having long text conversations with you or not even long conversations, but just the fact that I was excited to get any text from you...down to those facebook messages with all the emojis and us sending music to each other, and the fact that you would leave me voicemails. I just want my best friend back so we can do dumb things together.
Then the thing with feeling like I'm being taken for granted, I do feel that way. I'm not discrediting you for the times that you do pick me up or take me home or anything else that you've done for me. I do remember them and I am grateful to that because you've helped me in a lot of ways. I'm not comparing what you do for me because I know now that people show how they care in different ways. However, in the times that I've felt that way, I just didn't realize it/think about it too much because you're my friend. I don't need to think about those things. But I did feel that way when you would leave to go hang out with whoever it was that you were interested in. Now I'm not saying that EVERY time you did that, it made me sad or whatever, but in the days or nights when I did feel sad and needed to talk to you, you kind of have left. There was one night where you didn't want to talk anymore because you told me you were going to sleep. You didn't tell me "Oh, I'm just tired, can we talk about this tomorrow or something?" You had told me that you were going to sleep because you didn't want to deal with it. I understand that you want to sleep because you need sleep, but I was basically disregarded. It makes me feel as if I don't really matter as much to you because you would go out late and spend time with your other friends, but you wouldn't really do that with me. We did spend a couple times staying out late, but it's just like, you know we're close so it's as if there's no need to do certain things. That also points out when you tell me that you get angry and say mean things to me because you care about me/because we're close. Even if people are close, it doesn't excuse someone to be mean to the other just because you guys know each other well. With family, it's different (which it actually shouldn't be any different), but with friends, if anything, the closer you are, the better you treat them because you know the shit that you both go through. Now I'm not saying you have to always be polite and not cuss at me or whatever. Yes, call me out if I'm doing something dumb or something, but if you're tired and you want to hash out on me, it's not fair. I told you what I told you yesterday night because I trust you enough to tell you the truth. It was really hard for me to say those things to you, but I had to tell you because otherwise I would just keep thinking those things and it would just leave me with grudges against you. The thing is, I told you that since I've had time to think, I don't really even see these things as problems anymore; I don't know what they are. If anything, I'm just confiding in you how I felt/feel. The other thing was, I told you about the time when I went to go get you at Irvine and how I felt like I was doing way too much for you. I'm not comparing myself to you. Therefore, I'm really not here to say that I'm a better person than you because I know that if I was stuck in Irvine, you'd probably come get me too. I felt like I was doing way too much for you because not only did I drive up to Irvine, which I never really do, I took the car in the morning without telling my parents, and I suck at directions. So it was a lot for me. It was like my priority was you and though you are a priority, it was as if I was making you my only priority....so I needed a reality check on myself. So that's that.....anyway, I know that there are times when I say things and they hurt you, and it's not that I am clueless about them hurting you, but I say them because I am being honest with you. I apologize for hurting you in that sense, and for all the times lately in which we talk and it just doesn't end happily. I know there are things that I wish I could take back, but it doesn't work that way. When I left to SB, I felt like I was breaking away from my old self, that I was no longer the same person and that you were no longer who you were before we were friends. It felt as if you and I had become a part of each other's lives just to help both of us grow as people, and now that we've grown, there's nothing more. I do hope there's more though because I do miss talking to you. I miss having long text conversations with you or not even long conversations, but just the fact that I was excited to get any text from you...down to those facebook messages with all the emojis and us sending music to each other, and the fact that you would leave me voicemails. I just want my best friend back so we can do dumb things together.
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