How to Save Yourself

Dang it, I just erased all my hard work earlier that I wrote out before my 8 AM history section...Oh wells. I'll start over. I guess this isn't rock bottom since I am still going, and it hasn't seemed to stop anytime yet. Or that I have reached it, and just seemingly seem to keep hitting the wall over and over again. I'm trying to get back up, but then each day, it's like I'm just bi-polar. Sometimes I do really well and I feel like I'm coming back just fine. It only takes time...right? But other days like yesterday, or even today, I just keep hitting it again and again. My thoughts are so negative all the time. I've been inside my head more than I've been talking to people for this past half a year. I know that I can just change anytime I want to though, but then these thoughts come back and tell me...how will people forgive you for what you've done or said so far. I can barely forgive myself. On one hand, I keep wondering, well...are others at fault? I mean definitely, they have had a hand in contributing to this. I get told quite often that it doesn't seem like I can do all these things. I get told that I suck a lot of things, and so what happened? I cracked. I let them say those things for one, and then I let those things get into my head and wander around infecting my thoughts. It has become a virus that I am trying to overcome yet it is something that I think has let consumed me for too long. Years ago, when the glass wall broke, the same happened. If anything, it could be said to have been easier/worse. It was easier because now I look back, I know that I got through all those tears and dark days. It is worse because now I feel like I am slipping back to that and I'm not sure if I can get out. But then there is that paradox because I had already gotten out, so I suppose I can do it again. After that first time, I built up my stained glass wall again, and successfully you could say too. It shown through and others could see the light in which it reflected. It was contagious to others. It made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time, and in return, others felt the happiness too. After trial and error and mor trial, I am now at the place that I am at. I am at my dream school, living near the beach, and my mind is expanding. Yet it is contracting in ways that I would have never imagined myself to be in...ever, again. I think this is the hard part now that I have come to notice and recognize it. I know it is as simple and easy as to say, just learn to love yourself. That is the hardest part. I need to accept that I am human and that I make mistakes day to day. And that is all okay. I don't think that going around spreading this negativity to others will make you feel any better, but will only pull you in more and more because you're letting yourself pity yourself. And that has been something that I've never liked. From experience, I know that I only have myself to pull myself out. There's this dead weight on me, but it's not like it's impossible. You've done it before, and even in worse conditions. You would have had no idea what it would be like today if you had given up just seven years ago. So what would it be like seven years later? You'll probably still have some ups and downs because life will always be like that, but I want to bet that you will be just fine. Just stop being so hard on yourself too. You are worth it. You are beautiful. Yes, even with those scars. They are not the end of your world. They are what started your world, and have opened your eyes to true beauty in the world. It has taught you to be humble, and I want you to keep being humble. Tell yourself that you are enough even if no one else is there to tell you that. You have so much more in life to experience, to endure, to learn, to see, to experience. I know it hurts, but it's so worth it. It cannot be over just yet. If you don't know something, inquire about it. Learn about it. Seek the truth, or seek the answer. You will be okay. Stop frowning and smile not because others tell you to, but because you can smile. You smile for yourself because you know that life is beautiful, and that every step is a blessing. You will meet people who you think don't love you, but it's okay. You can still love them. Unfortunately those you love will be also the ones that hurt you the most, but if you push everyone away, you're the only one that's at a lost. Stop being stubborn and just reconcile. Now I'm not saying that you should admit everything as your fault, but recognize your hurt as well as their hurt. I know you have compassion in that big ol' heart of yours. It's just been buried underneath it all. So give it one more chance and dust it off. Save yourself and bring yourself peace because you need it. I know you are smart, and you can definitely do it...whatever it is you put your mind to.