Little Do I Know

March  25th - I head to Donna's kickback with Tasi, Zach, and Rosa with some alcohol. I wore my blue UCSB long sleeve with my face all made up in the pinkish make up that I had quickly put on at Tasi's place. I was planning to sleep over at her house. At the party, I was trying to enjoy myself and I was teaching everyone else that was there so far how to play Gauchoball/Rage cage and then beer pong. We got there pretty early though, I would say. It was probably around 9 PM, but the night didn't end until 3 AM. So you can see....it was a long night, but it was such an amazing night. By the time it was half way through the party, I was already drunk because of Gauchoball, maybe one game, and a game of flip cup. I had lost Gauchoball so I had to drink the bitch cup. but I couldn't do it. There was just too much. I basically left the cup somewhere lol. So we're all just having a good time and Tasi's coworker...I forgot her name, but she was sharing her joint with us, and so I ended up getting really crossed. I was probably more high than I was drunk though because I hate the taste of alcohol, and they had a shit ton of beer. So next thing you know, Tasi's gone and I was like "Where's Tasi?" to Zach. He tells me that she went outside with Rosa to get a friend. Little did I know, when you walked in, that you would mean so much to me. You were so cute. The cutest out of everyone at the party. I could just not stop starring at you even when I was so crossed. Haha, I was fully aware that you were attractive, and I wanted to get to know you. I don't remember who, but someone introduced us. I want to say it was Rosa who was like oh this bitch is from Santa Barbara, the party school, etc.....and your name was Alexis. I shook your hand and I think I held my breath.

Throughout the rest of the party, I wanted badly to talk to you. There were more games of flip cup, Gauchoball, and beer pong. I didn't necessarily make a full on conversation with you, but I tried to make little comments here and there to show you that I was very intrigued by what you were doing. I was encouraging you in Gauchoball, etc. I mean, I guess you don't remember, but on my end, I really was trying because I could not just help myself. You were so attractive to me. I even asked Tasi if you are single because I wanted to talk to you. She told me that you were single and I was like okay, time to do this ahaha. And in the moments in which we didn't play any games, or we weren't within distance, I would try to catch some glimpses at you. I basically gave no fucks haha. Everytime I would look, I didn't think you were looking at me because you would look down at your phone, so I didn't think it was a mutual thing. I just knew that I wanted to get to know you, but I guess I didn't have any inhibitions because I was crossed. Maybe it was the liquor courage, I don't know. I don't know how it would have played out if I had been sober. I would like to think that I would have still talked to you because I was just so attracted to you. I did not notice anyone else after you arrived. Whereas before, I was trying to make conversation with everyone because I was trying to not be bored. Eventually, it became later in the night, and Tasi and Sam went to go get Taco Bell for everyone. I talked to you here and there, getting to know you. You tell me you work at Home Depot with Tasi, and that you don't go to school anymore, but that you used to. You didn't think that it was for you, and there was probably some other things, but I can't recall what. 

I do know that after we got our Taco Bell stuff (and I had asked you if you had gotten your stuff because you were still sitting on the opposite side of the gate with Fray), I was leaning against the beam in the middle of the backyard, and you come around. I don't know if there was any conversation before that, but I remember you just tapping your left arm. I asked you what was wrong for you to be tapping it like so. You tell me that you just got a new tattoo and it still itches, and you asked me if I wanted to see while I told you that I wanted to see it. When you took off your black jacket, I'd say it was black, I was swooning a bit because I wasn't expecting a whole show haha. I didn't expect anything, but then you show me this big ol' tattoo and I thought it was pretty amazing. I would have touched it/you if it had healed, but it was still pretty fresh. You tell me why you got it, showed me a couple of designs and what the finishing product should look like, where you got it and when, and that you were going back in the next two Tuesdays to add onto it. You also show me your tattoo with your grandma's name, Emerita. You tell me how you didn't like it and wanted to move it down to your right forearm and then get another tattoo in place of it on your upper right arm. I showed you my little one and you tell me that you think it's cute, and I couldn't help it. I had to ask you for your number. So I proceeded to ask if I could get your number so that you could send me the tattoo place, so that I could go check it out and maybe even get another for myself there. But little do I know, you would talk to me everyday after that. So you end up handing your phone to me so that I could give you my number first, which I thought was weird, but great because I thought I was supposed to be getting your number. I guess that was the sign that you wanted me just as I had wanted you. I'd like to think so. I was pretty happy that I got your number, and I remember glancing over at Tasi, Zach, and Sam. They were totally giving me the looks "Like damn, that's my best friend getting his number!" Hahah, and then somehow we got on the topic of going to Denny's to just get some late night food/hanging out. You were really down to go, and I honestly wanted to go just to spend more time with you. I didn't really know how late it was until we were about to leave and it was 2 AM ish. No one else was really down to go, and a lot of people had left. We eventually all decided to leave around 3 AM, and when we were outside of the gate, you told us that you were going to take Rosa home even though you lived down the street somewhere. I think that that was very nice of you because you lived out of the way for you, but you still took her. That's what being a friend is, taking care of them. Before leaving though, you kept saying text me when you guys get back and to go back safely. I was like ohh man, maybe this is a hint haha. Just kidding, I didn't think much, but I did notice that you did say it a lot. I didn't want to leave though. I kept looking back at you, and so when we left in Sam's car, I finally told Tasi "He is so fucking cute!" and that I had gotten your number. She told me that she saw me hella spitting game though, and I know we continued to talk about you, but I don't really remember much. I just knew that I wanted to talk to you some more, I just didn't know when to text you.

We get back to Tasi's place and we were getting ready to go to sleep. I was making my bed on her couch in the den, and I ask about you. She tells me how you're pretty cute, and that you guys talk at work and stuff. Honestly, I don't remember much of what she said at these moments because I was trying to think of what to do. I really wanted to text you. I was conflicted though because I didn't want to seem clingy or desperate, already texting you like probably half an hour after the party ended. Tasi was telling me that you texted her though that you had dropped off Rosa and that you got back home. So basically, I already knew, but I was like fuck it. I wanted to talk to you. I said hey anyway and asked if you had gotten home. You tell me that you did, but you still wanted that milkshake from Denny's, and I tell you that I wanted to go too. "What flavor?" "Oreo." You tell me you really like sweets, and that's when I thought, "The Cauldron!" I suggest it to you and I even send you a picture of what it looks like...and all was set. You ask me if I wanted to go get some with you, and I was hoping that you would ask that. I didn't want to be the only one interested, but you asked. I was so darn happy. I couldn't believe that it was going to happen, that I was going to go on a date, but a date with you. You were just so attractive to me, and here I am, going to go on a date with you. We continue talking and such. I finally sleep at like 4/5 AM after going to the bathroom for at least three more times....I was so excited.

Little did I know, Tuesday comes. The day you were off, and the day that we had agreed upon to go hang out. I was getting all jittery. I had told my brother about going on this date with you. Tasi and I go to get In N Out before I went with you. We just talked some more and she tried to help me out, but I was feeling all the nerves. So, when I was waiting for you at home. I would pace back and forth, probably jump around a bit. I kept talking, and I wanted to back out because what if you didn't like me? What if this was all a mistake? What if I mess up? What if I do something dumb? Why would you like me? No one has ever really chosen me anyway. I'm 22, and I haven't even really dated anyone. Why would it happen now? I don't know what to do. I have no expectations and I have no hopes. I wanted to tell you not to come because I was so nervous. I didn't think I could do it because for all my life, I didn't think this would happen. It had never happened. It was always me liking someone, but never having it returned or vice versa. It was always going to a party, but then having them get your number, but then never calling you back. It was always just me. I had been by myself for so long, I felt that it was only going to end up being the same, and I wasn't ready to take that leap with you because what if I were to end up lonely again. Little do I know. But even if I do end up lonely in the end, I'd do this all over with you. I fucking love you. I really do love you. I'd scream that on top of a building. I'd whisper it. To you. I'd just tell it to you, but I don't think you're ready. I had already told you it once, but it hasn't been returned. It's alright though because I love you. I couldn't have found anyone more perfect to me than you. You light my heart on fire, and yet you nurture this fire. You let it burn softly and slowly. You tend to it so that it keeps burning, and it hasn't stopped since March 25th, a Saturday. The first Saturday of my Spring Break. And oh, little do I know. So anyway, I was extremely nervous, but you text me that you're in front. I go out to see you in my red flannel from Target, some type of jeans, my converse, and my blue UCSB's basketball tank top underneath. I had done my eyeliner, and I wasn't sure what to do. You came around the the passenger side's side mirror and was standing there. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hug you, but I didn't. I wish that I had because I felt like I had messed up because then you walked back to your side and told me that the door was open. I get in, and I remember seeing you shake a bit when you were looking up the directions to get to the Cauldron. I was like, Oh, I'm so good then. What do I have to be nervous for? So that eased up my nerves a bit, and I was able to breathe a little better. Little did I know, you weren't that nervous. You're just twitchy yourself hahah. I love you. So we drive there, we make lots of conversation surprisingly, and before getting the ice cream, we get some Mexican food across the way. I had already eaten so I was just talking to you while you ate enchiladas, I believe. I learn a bit more about your family and how they were in Georgia and stuff. I was very intrigued by you and what you told me. I thought you looked a little different though because you didn't wear your glasses like you did at the party. I thought you looked so attractive in your glasses. It was really cute. You were really cute. I think seeing you sober and without them shocked me a bit. I can't tell you if it was good or not, I was just shocked. Kind of like the uncanny. New, but old. I enjoyed that though, and then we went to go get the ice cream.

There were a group of Asian guys hanging out by the door of the place. I tried to open the door on the right side, but it didn't budge. You had made a remark, saying how there were two locks on it so maybe it was closed. We were a bit confused until the group of guys said that you had to open the door on the left side, not the right. Hahah, boy was that something to laugh about. I was so embarrassed and you wanted me to go through under your arm, but I was too embarrassed to go through. You went first and that was it. You got the s'mores and I got milk and cereal. Oh how I love you. Man, I forgot to talk about how you looked when I first saw you when you picked me up. When you had walked to me side in your blue shirt, shorts, and sunglasses, I fucking died. I thought you looked so good. I was like holy shit, this is me going on a date with this guy. Amazing. Ahaha, anyway, we ate there and we made a lot more conversation about movies and stuff. I think that we really clicked, and it wasn't awkward at all. If anything, it got better and better, and I wanted it to never end. I wanted to keep hanging out with you. Luckily you did too. We end up going to Downtown Disney. Oh, I wish I could just print out all our text messages because it would tell the stories for me. I don't mind typing all this out. I just wish I had done it earlier. You are just so wonderful and I hope that I end up marrying you/living with you because you've changed my life. I don't know how it would have been had I not met you. It may have just been another simple break and another simple quarter. You've changed me. You really have.

At downtown disney, we talk most of the time. I think it was just an excuse for us to keep hanging out, but we didn't really look at the stuff as much as we talked. I just couldn't stop staring at you. You were and are so handsome. I would say you're the love of my life. And how do I know? Especially when it's so early on?? I don't. I just feel it. Reflecting on all of this with you, I just feel it. It doesn't have to be complicated, I feel. 

I think I'm done writing for now, for today. I will come back on the topic of Disney with you. I hope I never lose you. You are just so amazing. You are wonderful, Alexis. I love you.