Ignorance

I guess I didn't know that you wanted me to get you. I just thought in my mind that you were okay with us going there first. I really didn't know and I feel like that really hurt you, and I'm just sorry. And I didn't know that you think I'm taking up so much of your time. If you would have just said it, I would have been fine. Of course I would still want to see you all the time because who doesn't want to see each other in a relationship, but just tell me. It's okay to have your own time. I've been needing it too, but I would sacrifice it because I'd rather see you. I know I get sad, but still. I could catch up on my work, and yeah...I just didn't know because I've been busy running around...so the time that I get to see you, I feel like it's not much for me. But I guess thinking about it now, it is a lot for you because you get off work and that's all the time you have to yourself, but I'm always there. I just don't want you to think that I'm desperate or needy, or that I can't spend time to myself. I just didn't know. I thought it was okay for me to come over. Your place became my escape from home, and I just didn't know you needed to breathe, but it's okay to breathe. I need to breathe too. I'm sorry I'm just new at this and don't know my boundaries. I guess I just thought that in relationships, you kind of just hang out all the time. Even then, I think everyone needs boundaries and I forgot about that. I just kind of skipped to the part where I thought you were okay with having me over. And I guess you do want me over, because again, who doesn't want to see their significant other. But, I guess I wish you just told me that you needed the space because I would have given it to you. And I know I can't blame you for not telling me because you don't really communicate well. I know you hold back on saying things, and so I want to give you patience and time to open up to me like with Danielle. I just didn't know, and I'm sorry. I just don't want to lose you. I know I like you and I want to be with you. You do make me happy, and I enjoy your company. I just hope this doesn't make you feel like I'm too much and that you actually didn't enjoy my company. I started feeling like that because I noticed that you didn't want to touch me as much. Or hold me. And you were always tired, and you just didn't say a lot of the things you said at the beginning. It makes it hard because this is my first relationship so I don't know if you don't feel the same way anymore, and I guess to me, it seemed like you didn't. And I just assumed that you would want me as much, but you've been saying no so often that it just seemed like I wasn't wanted...and especially when I wanted to have sex, you didn't want to, but it was okay for you to have sex when you wanted it. And I know now that you just felt like I thought it was all about sex, but I don't know. I know a relationship isn't just about sex. I just think of thought we were comfortable enough to say things. And I guess now thinking about "I just use you for sex," it doesn't seem so funny. I just thought you knew I was joking...and I really was. I don't use you for sex. I really want everything else and more. I just thought it was a power thing and you were trying to be like dominate or some shit, and try to only be the one saying yes. And I don't know if it's me being spiteful when I say that maybe I just will stop saying I want sex or want to come over or anything...because I just don't want to hurt you and for you to think that I want it all the time. I guess back to the logic earlier...of course everyone's going to want to have sex with their significant other and see them all the time, but it's okay if you don't want to too. That you need your own time. That you just don't want to have sex. I mean I know I've been wrong, and you'll say no and I'll be kind of pushy for awhile, but I know I'm not going to do anything. I guess I just need to stop after you say the first no. And I know I shouldn't victimize myself and make you feel bad just because I get all sad since you said no. I mean, I can't help it because I've been thinking all this time that you just don't really want me as much, but only when YOU want me. So that's why I'd get sad. I just started feeling like I was only there for sex myself. Like you called the shots, and if and when we had sex. I don't know if this is another spiteful me coming up, but I would be upset and want to just say "well, I don't want to have sex next time when he wants to" because I felt like again, everytime you wanted to have sex, I said yes. But, when it came time with me, you would say no. But, I have to realize everyone has the right to say yes or no, and he does. But I also do too. So I don't want to give in just because I feel bad and he's my boyfriend or whatever. So too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I don't really know. I just don't want you to think I'm incapable of being on my own. I don't want you to think that everytime you tell me something, that I'm going to get mad. I'm not going to get mad. I will get mad if you of course do things like make me wait 2 hrs to eat. But I guess in those cases, I can just tell you to just go and enjoy time with your friends. I don't want you to think that everything you tell me is going to make me sad. Of course there's the typically sad stuff, but I'm going to get over it because who doesn't miss their person. Of course I'm going to be more hurt about you talking about other girls because I don't know. I'm not what you consider hot. I'm just not perfect and I think that you're realizing that. I just don't know.