I don't fucking understand

You want me to stop using the computer so much....so I tried.....You want me to go out more so I could see the world or just not be on the computer and so I do. You want me to lose weight and so I'm trying, but you know what? YOU are the one that's stopping me from doing all these things...because when I don't use the computer...I wanna go out because there's nothing to do at home. Even if I help clean the house...I'm not going to do it every day. I have a life and I wanna spend it while I can since I'm a teen. I don't wanna be a fucking adult and then regret not doing anything. At least I'm not going around being a slut or doing drugs and getting high. I'm smarter than that and when I go out...you don't like it because I go out TOO much. Fuck. I sit around the house all day and become bored. That's what happened last summer. I became fucking depressed....do you know what that means? NO. You never do...you fake shit so much I don't even know what is what. One moment you're smiling and nice, and the next you take that fake ass mask off....always happens when people are over. I could have died last summer. I could have done suicide....then YES it is YOUR fault because you are a bad mother then, but I didn't do it because I love myself more than that. You can't listen to what I have to say. You can't do anything for me. You make fun of me. You contradict me. You tell me to go out to the world and do well....so I try my best in school and I earn the highest grades possible for myself....and you know what? THAT STILL ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. When I was in top 11 for the Angel's AVID Scholarship....YOU YELLED AT ME FOR THAT. WTF. YOU NEVER LOVE ME. YOU NEVER SHOW IT. YOU NEVER TRY. So I have projects...I had 3...now I have 2, but there's another one coming up again...It's all group projects....Do you think I love doing them? No, but if it's fun, yes, but you....hate that I go out too much. Well, I'm sorry I can't tell my teachers not to do that because it's my grade. I HAVE TO EARN IT. I can't just fucking get an A for doing my hw and sitting at home like you want me to. STOP TELLING ME TO NOT GO OUT WHEN IT'S FOR SCHOOL....GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. IT PISSES ME OFF. You want me to lose weight....I'm trying my ass off with volleyball...and you don't even like it. You hate that I stay so late. WELL I'M SORRY AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY FAULT PRACTICE IS SO LONG. I LOVE VOLLEYBALL AND YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MAKE IT BECAUSE OF BIASED CHOICES AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT. YOU JUST THINK EVERYTHING IS EASY...WELL LIFE ISN'T. I'm doing it because I love it and that I want to make a difference in my life...and YOU are the one stopping me from like EVERYTHING. I'm doing dance in the summer too and YOU make it difficult...I bet you. My friend LV....he comes over to hang out with me...and though I don't tell you sometimes...so what? He's not a druggie...he doesn't like fucking make your place shitty...he's even nice to you....Fuck and I thought you liked him, but once you turn around....you tell me not to have him over anymore because he's going to get used to it and just keep coming over. WELL DAMN THAT. You ask me why I hang out with retarded/stupid/etc. whatever you wanna call it people....and now when I hang out with people that actually are good...you complain even more. Do you really want me to be a lonely fucker? Because I'm tired of your shit. I wanna yell at you so much, I haven't talked back to you in so long and I don't even do the things I did before...but you still don't trust me. Ever since that damn fight over the jeans...I've grown more mature and you STILL DON'T see that. You just see retarded shit. PLEASE. STOP IT. He's nice....nicer than the people you know...nicer than the fucking so called asians I knew before. Trust me. I couldn't believe you even said that. Maybee this is why things happen to you. I'm sorry mom, but you screw up your own life. You don't try. I hate it. I wish I could help you, but sometimes...you need to realize that you're not always right...that life changes everyday and that today is way different than when you were a kid. Nothing is the same. STOP COMPARING.