Love
This isn't love. This isn't lust. What is it? Why am I so strong in front of you, but I break down and cry like a death has come upon me when I'm alone? I know you don't care about me like that. I know you care about ....and others....but I can't help it. It's true when people say that we hurt those that care for us, but fight for those that hurt us...why do we do that? I wish you would give me one chance, but I know if you did...that was just to test how your feelings would be...It wouldn't be because you like me or anything. I know it. I told you today...then later I called you to tell my feelings....but I fucked that up too....I didn't say what I wanted to..I rushed through it. I only skimmed through it. You said you couldn't really apologize for it....you told me that the other person cared for me..that's why they kept it away from me...But what about me? You keep talking about the other person. What about ME? You defend them because you love them, but what about me...? You and the other person...both very close people to me....and you lied..for personal reasons....HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? DO YOU THINK I'M OKAY? My eyes tell everything, but no one notices....why do you though? I hate it. Do you know how hurt and stuck I am? I have to comfort your ex....and in a way...you too...then I have to comfort myself alone.. I can't tell anyone because I've promised. Now...I have to comfort you again, but the other person too. I could consult you before with my love life, but now I can't because you know. I can't tell you I'm dying/hurt when it's because of you. I can't even tell anyone else why because it's just too much and plus I promised. You've set me up in a trap to kill. You've put me in a position where no one wants to be, but that's where I'm at. Why is life so difficult God? Why do you put one obstacle in front of me...with many branches to it? It's not fun....I know it makes a person grow...but I'm tired. I really am. It not only hurts...but then everyone else is happy...I don't want to ruin their day so I say nothing and act like I'm happy. I have to act nice and I have to help everyone else when everyone is so busy...they can't return the favors or anything...why is that? Why do I always have to like my friend's ex. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate myself for liking people. I hate myself for liking you. I keep thinking of inflicting pain on myself so I could feel that instead of this internal pain. Why do you have to look so good? Why are you so nice to me...and everything that other guys aren't? I don't feel like eating or anything. I had to bite myself to keep from crying so loud just awhile ago. It really hurts...not the bite, but the heart. My soul.
I know there's so many other people that's going through worse right now...but I can't help it. I'm hurt...not physically, but mentally...internally....constantly....repetitively....and I thought I was just getting better too from the depression that was coming upon me. It just returns back again stronger each time. I went to bike earlier too to try to forget about things and think positively...It didn't really work. I thought the cold would bite me so I can't feel anything, but it just made me feel lonelier. Then you called and when you said you couldn't come...I didn't care to ask or anything..I just worried about getting my notebook. I don't want to see you because I feel like I'm going to be hurt, but at the same time I want to see you. You said you were going to come tomorrow at 11...I hope you do because I need to finish it...I have a lot to do in it too..You asked me what I was doing and I said I was biking....then you said you would leave me alone and call later...I bet you won't. I'm now writing this and I wish you would call...but whatevers. After you hung up, the tears dropped slowly....one after another. It hurt. I kept biking until it hurt me. I don't like biking though because there's people walking and stuff and they always stare....like you're going to hit them or something. I don't like biking around people...I wish there was a place with no one so I could bike, scream, run, cry all I want and people wouldn't judge or care. I had to hide my tears or else those people would have thought I was crazy. It hurts.
I need to go shower right now...but everything doesn't matter now...I don't care anymore. I wanna stay here and just not get hurt anymore..I just want someone to show me that they love me. Is that too much? My parents won't even do that..
I know there's so many other people that's going through worse right now...but I can't help it. I'm hurt...not physically, but mentally...internally....constantly....repetitively....and I thought I was just getting better too from the depression that was coming upon me. It just returns back again stronger each time. I went to bike earlier too to try to forget about things and think positively...It didn't really work. I thought the cold would bite me so I can't feel anything, but it just made me feel lonelier. Then you called and when you said you couldn't come...I didn't care to ask or anything..I just worried about getting my notebook. I don't want to see you because I feel like I'm going to be hurt, but at the same time I want to see you. You said you were going to come tomorrow at 11...I hope you do because I need to finish it...I have a lot to do in it too..You asked me what I was doing and I said I was biking....then you said you would leave me alone and call later...I bet you won't. I'm now writing this and I wish you would call...but whatevers. After you hung up, the tears dropped slowly....one after another. It hurt. I kept biking until it hurt me. I don't like biking though because there's people walking and stuff and they always stare....like you're going to hit them or something. I don't like biking around people...I wish there was a place with no one so I could bike, scream, run, cry all I want and people wouldn't judge or care. I had to hide my tears or else those people would have thought I was crazy. It hurts.
I need to go shower right now...but everything doesn't matter now...I don't care anymore. I wanna stay here and just not get hurt anymore..I just want someone to show me that they love me. Is that too much? My parents won't even do that..
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