Unexplainable

I find this feeling so uneasy. So hurtful and so disgusting. It's like there in me and I can't rid of it. I try to push it away and it keeps coming back, esp. at night time and then it just ruins my nights. It sucks because it's the same every night. I can't keep telling people the same thing. So I have to keep it to myself. I don't really like keeping it to myself. It hurt; almost unbearable, but I'm doing it. I know I can. I'm strong. I've bit through many things so of course I can do this too...right..? I'm so positive one minute and then the next I'm like losing myself to the thought of her being with you. Yeah I don't know who she is nor do I want to know, but I just can't stand that it could be anyone out there who's so lucky to have you...Yet I've tried so hard and I can't have you. People say I shouldn't try so hard. Fuck you. When you sit your ass down and expect something to happen, it won't. You got to make it happen for yourself. You can plan all the things you want to do in life, but if you can't do it. It won't happen. I've done that this year and I'm pushing myself to do so, but why? Life knocks me down to me knees over and over. When is it my turn to be happy? They say your happiness depends on you and I've been trying. Every. Single. Day. I wake up and I try to be happy and tell myself it's a new day. When can I just meet the one? When will my dreams come true? -Breathes- Okay. Stop. You need to be happy. No ones going to make you happy unless you do. You can do this Anne. Just do it.