Coping

Sometimes I don't know how to cope with things and my thoughts that keep going and going. I'm really good at pushing people away though. I'm good at not imagining and thinking anymore before I sleep. I shut myself down routinely. I'm so awkward I just can't do it. I really hate that about myself. As strong as I am, I feel like I'm only made to be with myself. I really don't want to be just with myself, but no one understands. Well they understand, but I don't have people to tell when I need someone. Everyone's too busy for me. When they need me, I reply and do all that I can, and yet now I feel so down, and there's no one. Sometimes I don't have these reality check days and it is just great, but sometimes I do like now and it sucks. It puts me down so much and it really hurts. I've been fighting for years, and especially in the last 2-3 years I really have been. I know a lot of people have it worse and I know that I have it so so so much better than so many people, but I can't help it. I just want this to stop and have everyone stop yelling or laughing at me or talking about me. I hate how my mom treats me and yells and lies to me. I hate how my dad lies to me and says things, not thinking about how it hurts. I hate it all and yet I love them. I really hate that too. It would be so much better if I didn't love them because then I would feel so much more at ease with all the shit they say and just hate them. But then again, it is just me. I purposely hurt myself, listening to all this sad songs to make me feel even more sad. I walk around looking at people and seeing how some people are happy. Yet I always wonder. Are they really happy? Are you really happy? A lot of people nowadays, as I have come to know, are really fake. They hide it all, and maybe they aren't satisfied with their lives. They have to go and put others down to get better or they just cover it up with fake smiles, or complain a lot to others. But I can't just believe how ridiculous these people are. You worship God only to come back and do those exact horrid things. I honestly think that though I might be hiding things also...I don't find myself to do those things. I do honestly have really good and happy days. Thanks to all my family and friends. I honestly do. I don't think I need a boyfriend to fulfill those happy days because I have gone three years and a month without having one, so it is good. It may not have been 100%, but I can do it. I just have those bad days. I just need to let it out once in awhile. I'm stronger than this. I know it. Because all those things people tell me, they try to put me down, but I have made it through all those before. I have not made it with others, but myself. I have made it through with no friends and no family that trusted me, and I did it. So why not now?