Maybe I Just Hid It All Along

How do I even respond to that? How do I even act? I don't even hate him and I'm definitely not mad. I'm so tired. This is the fifth time he's "came back." I always tried to fight my feelings off that were for him, but every time I saw him again, it just all melted away. It didn't work. Maybe I'm just saying that now and being a dumb teen. I hope I'm not forcing myself to think that I like him without knowing that I am. I want to genuinely do so if I do like him, but if I don't...well then I don't. I really do miss him though and all those good times we had together. One reason that I say that I hope I'm not forcing myself to like him, but that I truly like him is because I think that everytime I "get over" him, it really is just me shutting away my feelings for him and the memories of what we did together. I don't truly get over him. I just set him aside because he stopped talking to me or hurt me. I stopped looking at the pictures with him in it because I'm afraid myself. I don't think anyone or even myself realizes how much I miss him. I really do. This feels so sad :/, but I do. I wish things could have been different. He thinks I'm over with being friends with him, but I'm not. If that's all that's left that I can be with him, then I don't mind. I just don't want to lose him as I have already told him myself. I can tell that he still cares about me, but I just hate that he waited all this time to text me and a couple days before I leave. Maybe he should have just disappeared forever like Ian. He thinks that his text was going to piss me off but it doesn't; not in that way. I would say that he doesn't get me, but I wouldn't blame him for thinking that I would get angry because last time he tried to text, I kind of let off my anger on him. That anger was not rightfully for him so I felt/feel really bad. He texted me because he didn't want for all of this just to end like that, as if nothing happened, and thank goodness he texted me as much as I wanted him to just disappear. I think because of what happened with Ian, I almost didn't care because I was used to people leaving me out of nowhere. I'm glad, though, that he texted me on his own time; when he was ready. I'm glad that he's trying to find himself and figure out how life is for himself rather than depending on everyone else to make him happy or help him accomplish something. I want for him to be able to feel happy for himself whenever he wants to and to be able to do things for himself and know that he did all of it. I hope he knows that he doesn't need crappy friends or even a relationship as much as he wants to be in one. He can learn to love rather than just be "in love" because he's lonely. It does suck at times to be alone, but it's not all bad. You really learn about yourself more than ever. You really develop. I developed and still am/will. My heart fluttered when he said that I'm the sweetest most caring people he's met.  He, too, thought about how I was going far away for awhile, and didn't want to start anything with me. He didn't and couldn't find a way to talk to me or hang out with me without being just friends. He doesn't even know how many times I've thought about all that. I was so afraid to fall for him because school was ending. It was the end of our high school years too so there was really no going anywhere with anything. I knew that. I knew that if I started anything, it wouldn't lead to anywhere because I would leave in a couple of months and there would be no point to even start. I then felt that it was simply best to just realize my feelings for him and go with the flow. Not much I can do about my feelings or try to change it because that's not really possible. At gradnite, I had just wanted to tell him that I knew this, but I so so so wanted to just give us a chance. I really did want him to just try, but I never got to say anything like that. I knew that this time, I felt it. I felt that this guy, finally, someone, was interested in me and I could feel it. Again, honestly, I could still be completely wrong, but all those hints he put off. All my hints I gave off. I really felt it. When Patty had told me that she talked to him, she said that he was afraid of me liking him so that's what I thought this whole time until now. I thought my actions were to strong and it freaked him out as a lot of guys might have been, but all is untrue. He was just too afraid to like me, to try something new, to make something happen because I was leaving and because he felt that he was too dependent on others, which would destroy what we "have" and end everything. I can see what he means because I've thought of all this, and I wish he didn't run away. I wish he gave me a chance. He said I didn't deserve to be ran away from, to feel like I did something wrong, and the silence he gave me. He sure is right. I was hurt and I wanted to hear anything from him rather than nothing. I'm glad he figures that he can be alone, but in all truth, that probably means he doesn't think of being with anyone anymore, not even me. Now honestly, I don't know whether to believe him once more or not. I've done a lot of believing for him after everything, but it is true. Why would he even tell me all that if he wasn't being truthful? He could have just kept on living his life without ever talking to me again like he said. He wouldn't have taken his time out to text me all that. His "I love you" totally confused me, but honestly, I think he said that in a friend kind of way. I want to hang out with him, but at this point, I'm nervous and I don't feel like he's going to feel comfortable with me anymore. I was completely comfortable with him before and could just be myself. I guess we'll just see how tomorrow goes. I don't even know if it's going to happen, but we'll see. I really miss him.