Dear Adrian,

I'm listening to Dancing Away with My Heart by Lady Antebellum right now and it is like the perfect song if I were to leave for college and never see you again until after I graduate...that is if I still had feelings for you somehow and did not work out with anyone else. This is the fifth time you've really hurt me. Yes, hurt. I really really hate it that you put me through this. I always would keep in touch with you, get hurt, and then get over it for awhile...and somehow you always find a way back into my life...back into my heart. You never really leave honestly. All this time, I told people that knew, told myself, that I was over you. That I was free and that I didn't like you anymore. That all those memories were good memories and those were the memories that I missed. I missed the good times, not the person. I lied to myself so well I really believed it. I should have known that when I saw you again when we watched 500 Days of Summer with Lesly. That day, I thought I was going to be fine, but I turned out just as expected. I had missed you and still had some feelings for you just buried underneath. It isn't any different this time. Luckily, I don't really check my messages much and reread what we text each other. I think I would be over-thinking everything if I did. I mean, I still do because I'm just a girl, but I am better off than what I was a couple of years ago. What I'm trying to say is, I was doing "fine" without you. Until you messaged me your long message. I woke up reading that and I knew. I knew it all without having to say much. I had only buried my feelings. I had only lied to myself and tricking myself into believing that I was alright and that I didn't like you anymore. I was/am totally wrong. I do. I really fucking do. Do you understand that? My heart heaves and it feels heavy because I feel as if I'm just poisoning myself with loving you....and you're the only cure. Yet....you always come and then go. You give me legit reasons as to why you miss dates with me. I understand, yet I can't. I know you care because why would you take out the time of your life at midnight to text me all that. To tell me all that. But then again anyone can type up a bunch of crap and send it to someone. If you really cared, you would have tried to make it. You would have talked and texted me back by now. If you really did like me before or even care for me now as a friend, you would try to talk to me face to face before I leave. I just want to leave the OC on a good note, especially on a good one with you. I just want to let you know that I miss you so much. I think you're beautiful...handsome in every way. I don't see your flaws as you do. And I really hate myself for that. I curse myself a lot for liking you in that first afternoon we talked after school. I wish you knew how I felt. I know you're a guy and if I don't tell you, you won't be able to read my mind, but I wish you did. Isn't it obvious..how I feel? I think I make it pretty clear with all the little things I've done, the number of chances I've given and probably will give? I like you so much that I want to have you, but I can't and I don't even mind not having you. I just want to at least be a friend to you. I want to still know you in my life. There's so many things happening in my life and the one thing that would make me happy would be that I get to hang out with you for the last time before I leave for UCSB. Don't tell me I don't matter...I can't believe that after all the things we've done together. The laughs, the smiles, the looks, the very similar agreements/tastes/dislikes...everything. But as much as I like you...I tell you, this is the last time. I can't hurt like this no longer over you. I just can't. It's too much too many. I usually let a person hurt me like this once and then it's over, but knowing this is like the fifth time...do you understand my feelings? This is the last time. This has to be the last time. I can't take it anymore that I feel like you just are playing with my feelings because you know I like you. I'm sorry if you truly do care. I do know you do, but I just can't. I'm really hurt and there's really no way for you to help it unless you talk to me. I just want to see you. I'm done now. I will be okay and get over it like the other times. I hope you find someone amazing and fall in love the way I do. It's a beautiful kind of love to realize how much you appreciate meeting that person. I hope you are happy. That's what I wished for at Gradnite when you were with me making water fountain wishes. I remember all that we did together clearly and I hope you do too. I hope I left you with a good impression and I hope that you don't hurt the girl that you love/that loves you back like you did with me.