Derek

I feel like enough time has passed and all the hurting has been done. I don't regret all the things we did together because I did have fun. However, liking you has been something I kind of do regret. On one hand, I think that I don't regret it because you gave me so many wonderful memories, but on the other hand, you gave me a lot of heartache too. I felt like you were so perfect. I think it was the looks and then you being able to kind of sing and record music. Be an engineer. Go to UCI etc. etc. Even through all the crap you told me that you did or thought of, I didn't judge you. I still won't judge you as a friend, but as a lover, I was so wrong. Yes, when you love someone, you gotta take them for their goods AND their bads. But when you forget about all the things you've done, who you are, and give way too much of yourself away to them, it's no longer possible to maintain yourself. I was just feeding my soul to you and you were taking it all in like it was nutritious. Of course you would because it benefits you. But for me, I was so happy and yet so upset because I knew you didn't like me. And I know you're really picky. So of course I naturally felt like you didn't like me because of my looks. That was already wrong because I am so beautiful. I have battle scars on my face and honestly sometimes they are so so so hard to look at, but it's okay. I am so much stronger than that. Than you. In loving you, I forgot myself. In loving you, I thought that this was it. This was as good as it was going to get. But no. I know that this is not as good as it can only get. It can get better than that. It will be better than all that and I will be happy because I am happy right now. I'm actually smart. I know it now. I am doing so well in school. I'm learning to be a more positive and happy person. I am enjoying my classes even though they're hard. I just have it going for me. Though sometimes the feelings come back and linger for awhile, I know it just can't be anymore. I have to love myself and I have to be happy. You have Elli and I have I don't know who. But honestly, I don't need anybody like you do. I don't need someone to fill up my love's void because I love myself enough to fill up all the void. Then I have more love to give out to my family and friends, and hopefully, future spouse one day. It is true that time does change things and people, and people do leave. They move on and then you get replaced. Maybe I might be replaced, but I hope that if it ever happens, that you look back and feel happy when you think of me. I just hope that I was able to give you that initial spark to get you to become strong and independent, but also learn to be happy with your life. I hope you make more good friends and not just a quantity of friends. I hope you meet quality friends and that your love life works out. Please don't cheat. I really hate it and I don't know why you would do it anyway. Especially if you said you don't want to be like your dad. I have to move on and love myself now.