The End of the Beginning is Coming

Sometimes I don't understand myself. You obviously don't want to get hurt yet you always do this to yourself. Stop it. Whenever a person like that hurts you, there's always feats that you accomplish to prove that you're so much more than just another boy. Why can't you just believe that you're good enough? You are, Anne. You are. 

Today I sat outside of the choir room in the back by myself for most of the period. It felt alright. I got alone time to think or to not think. I'm so exhausted. It's crazy how much time has gone by and how all those little kids running around will no longer be me. I thought about how innocent those kids were and looked. I hate how we have to grow up and be exposed to all the evils of the world. Yet I looked up. The trees looked quite magnificent and beautiful in their own way. They looked almost like huge dandelions if one took in the bigger picture rather than just each individual leaf. The clouds moved slowly if you just sit there and watch. Sit there and let time move by. The earth slowly crawling. You slowly changing.

I don't know what I feel anymore though besides that. I can't have him or him. I can't. And the one that likes me, I can't either. I can't force myself to like him. I've really thought about him as a possibility but he's not my type. I just can't. I need someone I can be comfortable with and just be myself. I can't make myself change for him. I'm sorry. 

Maybe one day....idk. I don't care about relationships anymore. I just want to enjoy my last few days left of high school and yeah. 

Just because I said my parents are driving me there to baccalaureate doesn't mean they're going to be there and stay there.