Opening Up
I'm finally coming to realize that I am not what I think I was. I can tell people as much as I want about me and they will never really know me because I sprinkle that shit over with icing and sprinkles and shit. I don't give them my raw self because I'm too afraid of my raw self myself. I'm so afraid that when I do tell someone, they will walk away because my shitty life is just too much for them to handle. This is why I also only have like two best friends because it is so hard for me to trust people. It is so hard. You don't even know. I just want...I need someone. I want and need someone to talk to me. I need them to be there for me and listen to me and hug me. I hate that when I go out, I just have so much fun. It's like there's nothing wrong with my life. It is always like that. But then I go home and everything hits me that it's not like that because it isn't. And all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hide away forever because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of coming home to my mom bitching about something. I'm tired of knowing that she's so ill and that all I can do is stand there and watch her and not be able to help her or take away any of her pain. I'm tired of knowing that my dad works his ass off and never gets a day off because he has to support us. I'm tired of having feelings and feeling jealous of fucking whoever the fuck is with the person I like. I just want to be free and I just want to let someone know that I'm not fucking okay. I wish they would just allow me to let it all out and not judge me. I can't talk to Betty right now because she's at the Korean Night Market and I don't even know about Tasi. Sometimes I just feel like I am fading away from her life. I want to reach out to Derek so much, but I feel like I'm only being bothersome and that he's with Jeannie anyway so like why the fuck do I matter. I know he doesn't like her like that. But things happen and you never know and I am such a fucking mess. I do like him. I do like him a lot. Oh my god, you don't even understand like how much feelings there just is. I am just so happy to be with him or to talk to him and my being is like being enlightened by his being. What the fuck does that even mean??? I don't even know, but like I'm just going to keep typing whatever the fuck my brain is thinking of. I want him to call me tonight and ask me what's wrong. I want him so much to, but I want to ignore his call....or just deny it. And I want him to drive to my house and talk to me through my window. But this is reality and reality does not fucking work like a movie. Half of me wants to keep pushing him away like what I always do with everyone else that tries to get close to me. Half of me wants him to be the one to stay there firmly and tell me to shut the fuck up and that he is going to be there no matter what and that I can't make him leave. I want that so much to happen. I want someone to, for once, just stop and tell me that I am enough and that they want to listen to me. They want to know why I am the way I am instead of just listening to a bit and then running the fuck away from me. Is it because it's too much? I don't even know.
Like why the fuck am I so afraid to open up to people? And just like I've said...because people are afraid of the truth. They run away from it. And I want to tell them the fucking truth. That everything is not okay. That I'm not okay. That as strong as I fucking seem, I just am not. I am so delicate. Like a flower I guess. I can be crushed just like that if you squeeze a bit too much. I may look thick and tougher than any girl, but I am so fragile.
Already right now, I am trying to reach out to Tamnhi and Sang and I already feel like they're shrinking away from me. And I've barely said anything. I know I'm fucking crazy and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry at the same time because I truly am not having a good night. I know that as much as I want him to like me, there is no way. It is all in my head and I think I am just full on the thought of him being possible....just like everyone else that I've liked. I'm so full on the thought of whoever it is, that they might be the one that I will fall in love with endlessly and just be the perfect one. That they will realize they will love me and live with me forever, but it isn't like that. I don't even know what part of my feelings for someone else is true. It's so faded and I'm so fucking tired of crying my eyes out. They hurt and I just don't know. And you know why I am like this now? I don't want to be searching for THE ONE. I just want to be free, but all I want is just to have that little fun like everyone else with relationships. I haven't been with someone for so long and everyone seems to just fall in love so easily. And even the bad girls get the good guys and it's like, what is wrong with me? I'm so tired of being alone honestly. I like the independence, but it's nice to lean back and know that someone is going to fucking catch you like how everyone else of my friends do. Everytime someone has a damn problem, I'm there. But when I have something....barely anyone is reachable. This is why I say quality over quantity. I think I am done with this. I don't think this makes any sense anymore and I'm just rambling on.
And actually my face does bother me a lot. I am confident. I was confident. But having my face like this for almost 5 months is so painful. Having people look at me like I'm a freak is so tough to deal with. Having kids ask me why my face is like that is fine, but then I'm just reminded that it is there. Having them ask to touch it is even worse, but I know they don't know anything, but it's the reaction of others that are older, that are around, that gets me. They freak out because the kids asked such a question. Like just stop, it isn't that big of a deal. I just can explain to them and they will forget about it. Unlike adults, adults remember and then make up some bullshit. Like stop bullshitting your kid and tell them the truth.
I'm just so tired of trying to take care of it. It's gotten a lot better than that first two months, but holy shit...when I have to really take care of it, it just hurts so badly. It physically and mentally hurts me. I know what my face was like before all this and I know it was not this bad at all. It was actually really good and I just wish that I appreciated it so much more. It makes me feel like half the time, this is why no guy likes me currently. Also with my short hair. I remember cutting the pixie cut and it was the best thing ever because I wanted to do that for so long and I finally was able to. I was able to be whoever the fuck I wanted to be and be bubbly and not have my hair hide me or weigh me down, but you know what changed? All my fucking guy friends either stopped talking to me frequently or just didn't even try to look at me. That is so fucked up in every way. It only goes to show that looks matter so much in society. Long hair is so valued that it sickens me because they literally stopped talking to me and/or said hi. It is because "guys like girls with longer hair" and that when it is short, it loses that appeal and that the girl is like a boy now. Like go fuck yourself. I almost want to think that they're just afraid that girls can look better than guys do and rock that fucking short ass hair.
So hair and acne is making my life a bit too much. I mean. I don't care. I don't fucking care, but I do fucking care about my own health and well-being and right now, my face is killing me. I just want it to go away and I know it's going to take time, but please hurry up. I am just done having to look away from the mirror or my phone because sometimes, my face just disgusts me.
And Betty is so right. I don't tell anyone what's wrong. I try to hide it. I try to tell myself it's okay even if it isn't. I ignore my feelings so much and pretend like I don't care, but I do care. I do care.
Like why the fuck am I so afraid to open up to people? And just like I've said...because people are afraid of the truth. They run away from it. And I want to tell them the fucking truth. That everything is not okay. That I'm not okay. That as strong as I fucking seem, I just am not. I am so delicate. Like a flower I guess. I can be crushed just like that if you squeeze a bit too much. I may look thick and tougher than any girl, but I am so fragile.
Already right now, I am trying to reach out to Tamnhi and Sang and I already feel like they're shrinking away from me. And I've barely said anything. I know I'm fucking crazy and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry at the same time because I truly am not having a good night. I know that as much as I want him to like me, there is no way. It is all in my head and I think I am just full on the thought of him being possible....just like everyone else that I've liked. I'm so full on the thought of whoever it is, that they might be the one that I will fall in love with endlessly and just be the perfect one. That they will realize they will love me and live with me forever, but it isn't like that. I don't even know what part of my feelings for someone else is true. It's so faded and I'm so fucking tired of crying my eyes out. They hurt and I just don't know. And you know why I am like this now? I don't want to be searching for THE ONE. I just want to be free, but all I want is just to have that little fun like everyone else with relationships. I haven't been with someone for so long and everyone seems to just fall in love so easily. And even the bad girls get the good guys and it's like, what is wrong with me? I'm so tired of being alone honestly. I like the independence, but it's nice to lean back and know that someone is going to fucking catch you like how everyone else of my friends do. Everytime someone has a damn problem, I'm there. But when I have something....barely anyone is reachable. This is why I say quality over quantity. I think I am done with this. I don't think this makes any sense anymore and I'm just rambling on.
And actually my face does bother me a lot. I am confident. I was confident. But having my face like this for almost 5 months is so painful. Having people look at me like I'm a freak is so tough to deal with. Having kids ask me why my face is like that is fine, but then I'm just reminded that it is there. Having them ask to touch it is even worse, but I know they don't know anything, but it's the reaction of others that are older, that are around, that gets me. They freak out because the kids asked such a question. Like just stop, it isn't that big of a deal. I just can explain to them and they will forget about it. Unlike adults, adults remember and then make up some bullshit. Like stop bullshitting your kid and tell them the truth.
I'm just so tired of trying to take care of it. It's gotten a lot better than that first two months, but holy shit...when I have to really take care of it, it just hurts so badly. It physically and mentally hurts me. I know what my face was like before all this and I know it was not this bad at all. It was actually really good and I just wish that I appreciated it so much more. It makes me feel like half the time, this is why no guy likes me currently. Also with my short hair. I remember cutting the pixie cut and it was the best thing ever because I wanted to do that for so long and I finally was able to. I was able to be whoever the fuck I wanted to be and be bubbly and not have my hair hide me or weigh me down, but you know what changed? All my fucking guy friends either stopped talking to me frequently or just didn't even try to look at me. That is so fucked up in every way. It only goes to show that looks matter so much in society. Long hair is so valued that it sickens me because they literally stopped talking to me and/or said hi. It is because "guys like girls with longer hair" and that when it is short, it loses that appeal and that the girl is like a boy now. Like go fuck yourself. I almost want to think that they're just afraid that girls can look better than guys do and rock that fucking short ass hair.
So hair and acne is making my life a bit too much. I mean. I don't care. I don't fucking care, but I do fucking care about my own health and well-being and right now, my face is killing me. I just want it to go away and I know it's going to take time, but please hurry up. I am just done having to look away from the mirror or my phone because sometimes, my face just disgusts me.
And Betty is so right. I don't tell anyone what's wrong. I try to hide it. I try to tell myself it's okay even if it isn't. I ignore my feelings so much and pretend like I don't care, but I do care. I do care.
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