The Truth
Sometimes I think I need a therapist really. Someone to help me. Someone to give me a hug. someone to be true to me. someone that won't lie and love me. I just need someone. I cried again today in the shower and idk some other time before that. I know it sounds like I cry a lot....cause I do nowadays...or well...not nowadays, but this year. i'm sick of school and the fake people around me. i'm sick of having my head ache so badly. i don't know how other people can handle it and neither do i know how i handle it. it hurts a lot. i don't feel like trying most of the time, but i have to. i do it for my mom, my family, myself. i know i complain about the same things over and over, but it's not the same. not to me. it gets worse day by day really. i want to let people know i'm not okay, but maybee it's true that kids nowadays walk around a lot, faking smiles and you wouldn't even know that the person standing next to you might be in grave danger or depression. i'm so tired of that. i wish it would just stop, but i know that nothing in this world stops for something like starvation, deaths...so what makes anyone think it would stop for a simple stressing kid.
i kept telling myself, too, that i would blogg. i kept pushing it away...feeling too lazy to do it, but also because i didn't know what to write. i didn't know how to explain how everything really sucks in my perspective. people don't see it. people don't understand how much i get stressed/sad over things. people think i'm making things up. people think i don't have it THAT bad. yes. i don't, but i'm sorry i'm not dying...to have a fucking bad life. i'm sorry i can't sing. i'm sorry i don't have the perfect body/legs/face/no acne/ and be super smart. i'm sorry i can't live up to societies' expectations. i'm just not that. i'm just me. why can't people just accept that and accept that they are perfect the way the are and that this world is just putting pressure on each other for no fucking apparent reason?
On tues. of this week....my apwh hw was due the next day and that meant the first day of finals was coming. i left school and came home to my little sister asking for help on her homework. she's always asking for help, but never really speaking. i was like angered because she was wasting my time from what i could be doing homework, finishing, then study for apwh. i kinda raised my voice and my mom yelled at me. i know i was wrong and i made her cry, but what about me too? i'm tired and i had to finish homework. by the time i got to my history hw...it was 5:30 ish. i looked for my hist. folder and had realized that i had left it in wu's classrm on the left side of the room's counter from the door way. i was so doomed and i was like tearing up, being angry at myself, venting to alan about how i screwed myself up so badly, stressing, and all that good stuff. then when i was done, i told myself to stop and think of a way to get it done...it took awhile because i kept thinking about how i messed up, but i ended up typing all the vocabs that i didn't do yet, and then i wrote down all the MT PERSIA notes on a separate sheet. So all was good and done and then the next day...I took the final...she didn't make us do chapter 23/24...good, but not good. Good because I don't have to worry about that one too, but not good because I have to worry about it next week. I think I did bad on the change and continuity essay though...-sigh- but can't change what's already been done so yeah...moving on. so then the good things of that day were...i got 7 notes from english on my poetry slam....i felt like i did pretty good, but i was too exhausted to be proud of myself. I might not have gotten the most notes for it, but i think i still did pretty good. also, mrs. wu invited me to the afterschool party in 114 (i think) to celebrate with all the other excellent academic acheivers. my dad called me and then he kinda yelled at me to go home early. i forgot it was 12:30 ish because of finals and not like 3:00 so i told him i was gonna go home at 4.....he got angry, and idky, but i teared up. I said okay, i'll tell mom later to pick me up. I then just ate the pizza and stuff and then left in the end. I got the cookie's and cream icecream though...which will always be my favorite because it is just so good with whip cream on top and hershey on it. Yeah, I shoulda been happy with an A+ -> 101.1% in the class, but I didn't feel like I fitted there. I felt more left out as always, but I don't blame anyone, because I didn't really know anyone there. Well actually, Christy, Monica, Trung, and Adani's brother was there. I was kind of surprised, but it's all good I guess. In the end I left and I talked to Trung a bit about JH....things have really changed. Then Lisa and Christy came....they were talking about going somewhere afterschool and like...I felt like things have SERIOUSLY changed. They got closer, because of tennis. I don't mind though. I know now who's who and I might not have what I want, but it's okay. I don't need people like that that don't care for me. I also decided, I shall move on and not linger on the past of Christy and I. I will remember it to keep as a memory, but no more hate because that just leads to sins for me, not her. However, if she manages to step out of place again and hurt me. I'm sorry, I cannot take her shit anymore and I WILL do something about it. I won't let her step over me constantly.
Anyway, then I went home and I realized....I didn't turn in the work I did on a separate sheet for APWH.....I only turned in the MT PERSIA blue sheet with the packet....so I had to email Mrs. Alpert and tell her I'm bringing it tomorrow. Good thing she is nice and accepted it...:l -sigh- so tiring and clumsy of me.
i kept telling myself, too, that i would blogg. i kept pushing it away...feeling too lazy to do it, but also because i didn't know what to write. i didn't know how to explain how everything really sucks in my perspective. people don't see it. people don't understand how much i get stressed/sad over things. people think i'm making things up. people think i don't have it THAT bad. yes. i don't, but i'm sorry i'm not dying...to have a fucking bad life. i'm sorry i can't sing. i'm sorry i don't have the perfect body/legs/face/no acne/ and be super smart. i'm sorry i can't live up to societies' expectations. i'm just not that. i'm just me. why can't people just accept that and accept that they are perfect the way the are and that this world is just putting pressure on each other for no fucking apparent reason?
On tues. of this week....my apwh hw was due the next day and that meant the first day of finals was coming. i left school and came home to my little sister asking for help on her homework. she's always asking for help, but never really speaking. i was like angered because she was wasting my time from what i could be doing homework, finishing, then study for apwh. i kinda raised my voice and my mom yelled at me. i know i was wrong and i made her cry, but what about me too? i'm tired and i had to finish homework. by the time i got to my history hw...it was 5:30 ish. i looked for my hist. folder and had realized that i had left it in wu's classrm on the left side of the room's counter from the door way. i was so doomed and i was like tearing up, being angry at myself, venting to alan about how i screwed myself up so badly, stressing, and all that good stuff. then when i was done, i told myself to stop and think of a way to get it done...it took awhile because i kept thinking about how i messed up, but i ended up typing all the vocabs that i didn't do yet, and then i wrote down all the MT PERSIA notes on a separate sheet. So all was good and done and then the next day...I took the final...she didn't make us do chapter 23/24...good, but not good. Good because I don't have to worry about that one too, but not good because I have to worry about it next week. I think I did bad on the change and continuity essay though...-sigh- but can't change what's already been done so yeah...moving on. so then the good things of that day were...i got 7 notes from english on my poetry slam....i felt like i did pretty good, but i was too exhausted to be proud of myself. I might not have gotten the most notes for it, but i think i still did pretty good. also, mrs. wu invited me to the afterschool party in 114 (i think) to celebrate with all the other excellent academic acheivers. my dad called me and then he kinda yelled at me to go home early. i forgot it was 12:30 ish because of finals and not like 3:00 so i told him i was gonna go home at 4.....he got angry, and idky, but i teared up. I said okay, i'll tell mom later to pick me up. I then just ate the pizza and stuff and then left in the end. I got the cookie's and cream icecream though...which will always be my favorite because it is just so good with whip cream on top and hershey on it. Yeah, I shoulda been happy with an A+ -> 101.1% in the class, but I didn't feel like I fitted there. I felt more left out as always, but I don't blame anyone, because I didn't really know anyone there. Well actually, Christy, Monica, Trung, and Adani's brother was there. I was kind of surprised, but it's all good I guess. In the end I left and I talked to Trung a bit about JH....things have really changed. Then Lisa and Christy came....they were talking about going somewhere afterschool and like...I felt like things have SERIOUSLY changed. They got closer, because of tennis. I don't mind though. I know now who's who and I might not have what I want, but it's okay. I don't need people like that that don't care for me. I also decided, I shall move on and not linger on the past of Christy and I. I will remember it to keep as a memory, but no more hate because that just leads to sins for me, not her. However, if she manages to step out of place again and hurt me. I'm sorry, I cannot take her shit anymore and I WILL do something about it. I won't let her step over me constantly.
Anyway, then I went home and I realized....I didn't turn in the work I did on a separate sheet for APWH.....I only turned in the MT PERSIA blue sheet with the packet....so I had to email Mrs. Alpert and tell her I'm bringing it tomorrow. Good thing she is nice and accepted it...:l -sigh- so tiring and clumsy of me.
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