First day of Spring Break
Dear world,
I'm honestly trying to be happy. I have been, but something always comes along the way to make me sad, depressed, angry and want to scream. I don't want to be like this. My head hurts. Today...I was suppose to get my blood test in the morning, which I wasn't allowed to eat. I didn't want to go though so I moved it until Wed. I hope nothing's wrong with me...the doctor said I should check...At 11 ish, Betty came to my house. She did my makeup and all...and I kind of liked it. She put a lot, and honestly...I really like to be natural. I could careless now of being pretty. I don't want to try anymore. I felt so unreal and fake and all when I had all that make up, eyeliner and stuff on. It's not Betty's fault...that's just how I felt. I felt fake. But I went to the 99 cents store with Betty at 1 to meet up LV. I wore the make up, and he said I looked pretty. I hardly believed that. I don't think it's true. I do feel pretty at times, but that wasn't the time. He might not go to the beach on Monday and stuff....it does make me feel sad. I was looking forward to talking to him.
Well before today...yesterday, I went to Melissa's afterschool and hung out with her until 6/7ish. I fed her dog, but I was like terribly terrified.lol. I also met her dad, brother, and cousin. It was a fun day.
Anyway, so back from the 99cents store...he walked me home. So many things I wanted to say, but didn't know what to say. He mainly did the asking...which I like because he kept the convo going. It's like he cares to know. He does, but not like that. We sat down on the grass thats next to the preschool so we could talk. We talked for an hour, but it seemed so quick. I told him about my friends, family, school, birthday, etc. It really hurt. I cried and my make up kind of died. I couldn't look at him because I was trying so hard not to cry....not that that worked, and I felt so ugly. I sat there hugging myself/my knees. I always have only myself to be there when I cry....I wish he had done something, but it's whatevers. I've never told someone so much in so little...Even though I felt all sad and stuff...the surroundings were so peaceful and quiet. It's true....as you are in pain, the world moves on. Nothing waits...Either you stay behind or keep up with the trend. He told me I'm a passive person and that I should relax and take off some responsibilities. He knows that I want to be a kid, but at the same time I can't. He understood. I never got to be a kid...just like him. We always worry. We are always hurt. We try to hide it. Especially him...so well....I have been doing well with that, but lately...it's just be more visible to others. I don't really like that because it shows weakness. I also don't think it's weakness because I'm able to express it, but idk...that's just the way that I am. I wanted to ask him about his family and I kept reminding myself to do so, but I never got the chance until he had to ask me himself. I hope he knows it's not because I don't want to know. After he told me...there were so many things going on inside my head...it's like wow I can't believe that's what happened then and last year, but I never realized. I kept thinking...such an amazing person and that's what he gets. I think God is trying to shape strong people, but it's just so difficult. I still can't believe that through all those days..I never knew how he was really like. I felt like my life was hard, but after hearing his. Mine sounds like nothing and I know I shouldn't compare because it might not seem bad, but you never know how it is really like until you're in their shoes. So...he'll never really understand...but he mostly gets it. I think about it now...it's so stupid of me. I've been giving up on myself and avoiding problems, when I tell other people not to. Ironic. So I kept telling him to go home because I thought he would be late for the bus and then spring formal. He didn't want to go. Later he had to go. I really...I don't know. I walked home and like...I felt better after the talk/cry. Then around 4ish I started to get nervous because Spring Formal was coming and then I got ready at like 4:55 p.m. I was rushing. I came there early. I was shaking, literally because I was so nervous. I didn't know why. I kept looking for something, but I didn't know why. He came and everything and my heart was beating so fast. My cheeks
didn't turn red, but really hot. I felt like crazy in a good way. I think all that was because of him. I've felt nervous before for guys, but never like that. I loved the way he looked. I was so mesmerized. I was wearing heels, Betty's dress, and some eyeliner and stuff...I felt pretty. My mask was pretty when I got it, but the string was too short to put it on...Sadly I wasted like $8 for nothing. Inside Mon Cheri, the restaurant, he started to dance. He got pretty wild. I've never felt so upset in my life. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't because like..he's nothing to me. Not my boyfriend or anything. He's not restricted from dancing with fucking wild girls. He's not mine. He won't be because all I ever will be is his friend. A friend that can talk to...just like any other girl. I'm always the girl next door, never the girl you would fall madly for. I felt jealous, and sad and I wanted to shed more damn tears that weren't any good, but I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why. It hurts even more when you want to cry, but you can't. I saw EricN there. He looks sharp as ever, but he has a girlfriend. Fuck it. I tried to avoid "him" a lot. It kind of worked, but at the same time it didn't because my instinct was so search the crowd for him. I hated that because everytime I did, I would see him getting down or some shit. It hurts. There was ONE damn slow song. He looked for me and pulled me to go dance. I really didn't want to. I didn't feel good. I didn't have my heels on at that time because it hurt my feet so badly. He was really tall when I didn't have it on, but when I do...I'm taller. I didn't want to dance so I told him I didn't know how to dance. What a fucking lie I made...I know how...I just couldn't believe I said that. Hope he knows I was just saying that as an excuse. So then we danced and he made me put my arms and stuff around him and he spinned me and vice versa. I felt so like...sad, and I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes. I tried a few times, but I looked down. He was just so tall to me...It hurts to look. He has such a nice smile to me. What does that matter anyway? I'm just another girl. Then the others were dancing with their guys too...and Jackie came over and cock blocked...She doesn't know I liked him though. It sucked because he stopped dancing with me...The night sucked shit after that. I danced with him..almost even like grinded, but couldn't bring myself to do that. It wasn't dancing and I knew he wasn't okay. I forsure wasn't okay. At the end he had to leave so he hugged me..I didn't try to even hug back. I asked if he drank. He said yeah. It's ironic though...how he drinks, but he hates that his dad drinks.....He left. I ran after him. This guy that was guarding the door stopped me. I went out and then he was there talking to his friend. I got embarrassed...so all I did was wave like an idiot and like went back inside quickly. I couldn't really focus afterwards...it's so stupid. So then my dad picks up me and my brother...he was with his girlfriend, Lesa. They're so cute together....I felt jealous. He didn't know how to dance and like...his ankle started to hurt. I doubt that was true, but I guess it did. Party pooper. His girlfriend was nice enough to sit it out with him. She's cute. At home, I showered. I sat in there and cried; only a bit came out...It hurt so badly. I've never cried in the shower to the point where I felt tired and I didn't want to get up. I wanted to sleep in there. It hurt. And now I'm here writing this. No one cares.
I'm honestly trying to be happy. I have been, but something always comes along the way to make me sad, depressed, angry and want to scream. I don't want to be like this. My head hurts. Today...I was suppose to get my blood test in the morning, which I wasn't allowed to eat. I didn't want to go though so I moved it until Wed. I hope nothing's wrong with me...the doctor said I should check...At 11 ish, Betty came to my house. She did my makeup and all...and I kind of liked it. She put a lot, and honestly...I really like to be natural. I could careless now of being pretty. I don't want to try anymore. I felt so unreal and fake and all when I had all that make up, eyeliner and stuff on. It's not Betty's fault...that's just how I felt. I felt fake. But I went to the 99 cents store with Betty at 1 to meet up LV. I wore the make up, and he said I looked pretty. I hardly believed that. I don't think it's true. I do feel pretty at times, but that wasn't the time. He might not go to the beach on Monday and stuff....it does make me feel sad. I was looking forward to talking to him.
Well before today...yesterday, I went to Melissa's afterschool and hung out with her until 6/7ish. I fed her dog, but I was like terribly terrified.lol. I also met her dad, brother, and cousin. It was a fun day.
Anyway, so back from the 99cents store...he walked me home. So many things I wanted to say, but didn't know what to say. He mainly did the asking...which I like because he kept the convo going. It's like he cares to know. He does, but not like that. We sat down on the grass thats next to the preschool so we could talk. We talked for an hour, but it seemed so quick. I told him about my friends, family, school, birthday, etc. It really hurt. I cried and my make up kind of died. I couldn't look at him because I was trying so hard not to cry....not that that worked, and I felt so ugly. I sat there hugging myself/my knees. I always have only myself to be there when I cry....I wish he had done something, but it's whatevers. I've never told someone so much in so little...Even though I felt all sad and stuff...the surroundings were so peaceful and quiet. It's true....as you are in pain, the world moves on. Nothing waits...Either you stay behind or keep up with the trend. He told me I'm a passive person and that I should relax and take off some responsibilities. He knows that I want to be a kid, but at the same time I can't. He understood. I never got to be a kid...just like him. We always worry. We are always hurt. We try to hide it. Especially him...so well....I have been doing well with that, but lately...it's just be more visible to others. I don't really like that because it shows weakness. I also don't think it's weakness because I'm able to express it, but idk...that's just the way that I am. I wanted to ask him about his family and I kept reminding myself to do so, but I never got the chance until he had to ask me himself. I hope he knows it's not because I don't want to know. After he told me...there were so many things going on inside my head...it's like wow I can't believe that's what happened then and last year, but I never realized. I kept thinking...such an amazing person and that's what he gets. I think God is trying to shape strong people, but it's just so difficult. I still can't believe that through all those days..I never knew how he was really like. I felt like my life was hard, but after hearing his. Mine sounds like nothing and I know I shouldn't compare because it might not seem bad, but you never know how it is really like until you're in their shoes. So...he'll never really understand...but he mostly gets it. I think about it now...it's so stupid of me. I've been giving up on myself and avoiding problems, when I tell other people not to. Ironic. So I kept telling him to go home because I thought he would be late for the bus and then spring formal. He didn't want to go. Later he had to go. I really...I don't know. I walked home and like...I felt better after the talk/cry. Then around 4ish I started to get nervous because Spring Formal was coming and then I got ready at like 4:55 p.m. I was rushing. I came there early. I was shaking, literally because I was so nervous. I didn't know why. I kept looking for something, but I didn't know why. He came and everything and my heart was beating so fast. My cheeks
didn't turn red, but really hot. I felt like crazy in a good way. I think all that was because of him. I've felt nervous before for guys, but never like that. I loved the way he looked. I was so mesmerized. I was wearing heels, Betty's dress, and some eyeliner and stuff...I felt pretty. My mask was pretty when I got it, but the string was too short to put it on...Sadly I wasted like $8 for nothing. Inside Mon Cheri, the restaurant, he started to dance. He got pretty wild. I've never felt so upset in my life. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't because like..he's nothing to me. Not my boyfriend or anything. He's not restricted from dancing with fucking wild girls. He's not mine. He won't be because all I ever will be is his friend. A friend that can talk to...just like any other girl. I'm always the girl next door, never the girl you would fall madly for. I felt jealous, and sad and I wanted to shed more damn tears that weren't any good, but I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why. It hurts even more when you want to cry, but you can't. I saw EricN there. He looks sharp as ever, but he has a girlfriend. Fuck it. I tried to avoid "him" a lot. It kind of worked, but at the same time it didn't because my instinct was so search the crowd for him. I hated that because everytime I did, I would see him getting down or some shit. It hurts. There was ONE damn slow song. He looked for me and pulled me to go dance. I really didn't want to. I didn't feel good. I didn't have my heels on at that time because it hurt my feet so badly. He was really tall when I didn't have it on, but when I do...I'm taller. I didn't want to dance so I told him I didn't know how to dance. What a fucking lie I made...I know how...I just couldn't believe I said that. Hope he knows I was just saying that as an excuse. So then we danced and he made me put my arms and stuff around him and he spinned me and vice versa. I felt so like...sad, and I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes. I tried a few times, but I looked down. He was just so tall to me...It hurts to look. He has such a nice smile to me. What does that matter anyway? I'm just another girl. Then the others were dancing with their guys too...and Jackie came over and cock blocked...She doesn't know I liked him though. It sucked because he stopped dancing with me...The night sucked shit after that. I danced with him..almost even like grinded, but couldn't bring myself to do that. It wasn't dancing and I knew he wasn't okay. I forsure wasn't okay. At the end he had to leave so he hugged me..I didn't try to even hug back. I asked if he drank. He said yeah. It's ironic though...how he drinks, but he hates that his dad drinks.....He left. I ran after him. This guy that was guarding the door stopped me. I went out and then he was there talking to his friend. I got embarrassed...so all I did was wave like an idiot and like went back inside quickly. I couldn't really focus afterwards...it's so stupid. So then my dad picks up me and my brother...he was with his girlfriend, Lesa. They're so cute together....I felt jealous. He didn't know how to dance and like...his ankle started to hurt. I doubt that was true, but I guess it did. Party pooper. His girlfriend was nice enough to sit it out with him. She's cute. At home, I showered. I sat in there and cried; only a bit came out...It hurt so badly. I've never cried in the shower to the point where I felt tired and I didn't want to get up. I wanted to sleep in there. It hurt. And now I'm here writing this. No one cares.
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