Slipping
I'm not who I used to be. I know it. I used to have such a strong drive, movtivation, everything. I was hurt, but I continued and I was fine. I got and I gave. I loved and I fell, but I was strong enough to stand back up. Nowadays, my heart's gone. I feel it. I don't like being depressed and I hate how my motivation in school is dropping. My grades are dropping and I'm having the "who gives a fuck" moment. It might not sound that bad to have A's and 3 B's, but to me....if you knew...that's bad. I always have A's and the most B's I would have is one. I would always try for the highest A too. I don't know why now I just feel tired. Actually, I know why...it's the stress and the tears and the hunger and the pain. I have an essay to do right now...it's due "Monday", but I haven't started because I don't feel like it and I'm tired. I know it's like...why aren't you doing your essay instead...? But I just don't want to. Does anyone get that? I don't want to be that smart. I just want to live life, but sadly...life is built on power and money and without an education...you can't get much. I've went to the psychologist with KeemV this Wednesday. I told her about my friends and family and life...to someone I didn't even know. I didn't realize this until after, and I cried. I couldn't stop the tears because it hurt. I have second thoughts now about my classes next year..Blahh. I feel crazy. I don't want to be. I know I can get better...I just need a strong motivation again. I had the motivation to lose weight, but lately...I've been gaining...that does not even help at all. No one understands how I feel...yes maybee there are similar situations, but not everyone could do the same things. No one is the same.
Benchmarks are next week, then finals, then CSTs, and then my AP World final on May 12. Everything's happening so quickly and there's no time to sit and think. To learn guitar. To dance. To sing. To look at the clouds or the sunset. Seems silly? It's not...it's my life long dreams and it's being blockaded by school. My mom doesn't get how hard I try. I try for myself, for my dad, and for her. She doesn't see it though. Other people show that they listen by rebelling, but I don't. I just want you to know that I love you, but you anger me even more when I'm sad. I'm tired. I just wanna yell...DO YOU KNOW I'M HAVING THERAPY? But she would probably not understand what I'm saying..She compared me yesterday to other kids...asking why I don't help around the house....Other kids do and they have more things to do in school than me. MOM. Fuck...I don't know how to tell you these things. I try so hard. So so so hard. I know I can't take like 6/7 AP classes and get like a 5.0 GPA, but why does that matter so much to you? You've read in the news about suicides of kids and stuff, and that one time of a guy getting his doctorate and you even told me that he received it and then gave it to his parents. He told his parents, "This is what you wanted me to get, a doctor's degree" and then left them to become a monk. Do you want me to be something like that? Or maybee worse, just end up in a mental hospital? Because I really can't take it anymore. Every little thing hurts me. You think I'm always staying afterschool to have fun or hang out with my friends and even if you know that I'm doing community service...you yell at me for staying late and compare me to like Katie...Well Mom, she doesn't do community service...she's the one that's hanging with others...I do all this:
Talent Show: In 2008, I performed and sang at Izaak Walton. In 2010, I also performed for the Vietnamese Club Banquet and the Girls’ Tennis Banquet.
Yearbook (2007-2009): Managing, taking photos, editing, and putting together the school yearbook in junior high.
NJHS (2007-2009): National Junior Honors Society – doing about 25 or more hours of service each quarter and keeping up with a 3.8 or more GPA.
AVID (2007-2009): Advancement Via Individual Determination – learned to take Cornell notes daily as a student and strived to achieve better grades to go to college. Also, became the AVID Tutor as well in the second year of AVID.
Angel’s AVID Scholarship (2009): I was required to write an essay and I got to top 50, then top 11, but I did not win. Though I did not win, I learned that I can receive scholarships and I am able to go to college when I try my best.
Library (2007-2009): Volunteered organizing the library and checking out books for other students before school.
Smithsonian Trip (2009 Summer): Fundraised and paid to go to Washington D.C., the Gettysburg, and Philadelphia to see national monuments and learn about the history there with other students that participated.
Tomb of the Unknown (2009 Summer): I was one of the three students that were chosen to hold the wreath and lay it down for the ceremony.
Key Club (2009-2011): Volunteering to organizations and helping make the community a better place to live in. The club will be a choice for the following years in high school.
Vietnamese Club (2009-2011): A club that is open to all students to learn more about the Asian culture, especially the Vietnamese culture, and being proud of my heritage. Also, I became the Historian (position) for the club after the first half of freshmen year, and received the “Most Active Member” award.
VAHSA (2009-2011): Vietnamese-American High School Alliance – Volunteering for community service such as the Tet Festival and overlooking all the VSA’s (Viet Clubs) at each high school that is participating.
MISS (2010 Summer): Mathematics Intensive Summer Session – Learned Algebra 2 ahead of time at Cal State Fullerton for the upcoming school year.
History Club (2010-2011): Learning more about history, watching movies related to it, and going on field trips to museums for more knowledge.
Class of 2013 (2011): Participating as a member to fundraise for our class’s Prom, having school spirit, and organizing all the important events for 2013 students.
Environmental Club (2011): Learning more about how products such as plastic affect the Earth and what we could do to help. Also, this helps in-coming students next year to understand what AP Environmental Science is all about.
Boys’ and Girls’ Club (2009-2011): Staying afterschool to do homework, play sports, volunteer, etc.
Tutoring Center (2010-2011): help found this with others and it starts afterschool everyday of the weekday, to help students that are failing classes or want to do better to achieve their goals. Also, to boost their grade up and activeness in school. This is a work of volunteering and self-improvement for tutors and tutees.
AP World Tutoring (2010-2011): After school tutoring every Wednesday for AP World and preparing for the AP exam with the teacher.
AFS (2010-2011): American Field Service - Help found this club at Santiago High School for students to start next year, begin fundraising, and travel to other countries to do community service or learn there.
Poetry Slam (2011): Creating our own unique poems and performing it in front of others.
Do you know how tired I get? I feel like I'm old now even though I'm just 16. I have WRINKLES on my fucking forehead without even trying because I'm so used to frowning. I'm unhappy with life. I feel like there's no purpose. I won't die, but I'm already tired. I keep saying I'm tired, but trust me...it's a million other things. I just want love. I just want freedom...I don't know.
As for friends, it's getting better. I don't mind the old people much now and I'm just trying to find quality in friends instead of quantity. Now that I think about it...there's so many people...including online people...that I don't talk to anymore, and I miss them. I remember when my mom was in the hospital that one summer...they helped me so much...What happened...? One big thing though that really upsets me is Keem. Her boyfriend recently broke up with her and she said he told her he just didn't know what he wanted...What does that mean? I asked guys about that and they mainly said there's no more feelings. Why are guys so hurtful and confusing? He was a friend of mine; a good boy too. It was the first good boy that she's dated and she really likes him. I thought they would last because they seemed so right together and she was so content with how life was...she was always smiling when I saw her. Every feature became beautiful, but ever since that day....She was sad during break...I didn't know why and she told me she was going to leave to go to a teacher's room. This was the day after I had talked to her boyfriend at the vball game afterschool. He asked me about school and stuff and I kind of got emotional, but I was okay...I left. I wrote him a letter that night though to apologize for being rude and I gave it to him during break. So anyway, when she left...I told him to go after her and he did....After that I don't know what happened...He must have broke up with her...I don't know why....I felt like it was my fault. During P.E. I thought she was angry at me....She was crying...I left her alone and later...I found out what had happened. She wasn't angry at me. She was heartbroken and at nadir. It hurt me a lot too because she's close to me and I couldn't do much. I would tell her to get over it, but that's really mean. But it's true...only you can fix up your heart...no one else can. Her other friends....would tell her to go find another boy and stuff, but that's not how life/love works...you're just going to hurt yourself over and over and the other person as well. It's like...would you really be happy with another person when your heart is really just yearning for that one? Also...love is right in front of you....You just need to open up your eyes to see that it's there all along...your family. Trust me...there's no one that you can trust more than them...and if you can't even trust them, then what is life? So to continue....it's been depressing me a lot to hear about her depression and how she hates her mom and life. I honestly like to help, but sometimes...things are just too much. I'm tired.
Benchmarks are next week, then finals, then CSTs, and then my AP World final on May 12. Everything's happening so quickly and there's no time to sit and think. To learn guitar. To dance. To sing. To look at the clouds or the sunset. Seems silly? It's not...it's my life long dreams and it's being blockaded by school. My mom doesn't get how hard I try. I try for myself, for my dad, and for her. She doesn't see it though. Other people show that they listen by rebelling, but I don't. I just want you to know that I love you, but you anger me even more when I'm sad. I'm tired. I just wanna yell...DO YOU KNOW I'M HAVING THERAPY? But she would probably not understand what I'm saying..She compared me yesterday to other kids...asking why I don't help around the house....Other kids do and they have more things to do in school than me. MOM. Fuck...I don't know how to tell you these things. I try so hard. So so so hard. I know I can't take like 6/7 AP classes and get like a 5.0 GPA, but why does that matter so much to you? You've read in the news about suicides of kids and stuff, and that one time of a guy getting his doctorate and you even told me that he received it and then gave it to his parents. He told his parents, "This is what you wanted me to get, a doctor's degree" and then left them to become a monk. Do you want me to be something like that? Or maybee worse, just end up in a mental hospital? Because I really can't take it anymore. Every little thing hurts me. You think I'm always staying afterschool to have fun or hang out with my friends and even if you know that I'm doing community service...you yell at me for staying late and compare me to like Katie...Well Mom, she doesn't do community service...she's the one that's hanging with others...I do all this:
Talent Show: In 2008, I performed and sang at Izaak Walton. In 2010, I also performed for the Vietnamese Club Banquet and the Girls’ Tennis Banquet.
Yearbook (2007-2009): Managing, taking photos, editing, and putting together the school yearbook in junior high.
NJHS (2007-2009): National Junior Honors Society – doing about 25 or more hours of service each quarter and keeping up with a 3.8 or more GPA.
AVID (2007-2009): Advancement Via Individual Determination – learned to take Cornell notes daily as a student and strived to achieve better grades to go to college. Also, became the AVID Tutor as well in the second year of AVID.
Angel’s AVID Scholarship (2009): I was required to write an essay and I got to top 50, then top 11, but I did not win. Though I did not win, I learned that I can receive scholarships and I am able to go to college when I try my best.
Library (2007-2009): Volunteered organizing the library and checking out books for other students before school.
Smithsonian Trip (2009 Summer): Fundraised and paid to go to Washington D.C., the Gettysburg, and Philadelphia to see national monuments and learn about the history there with other students that participated.
Tomb of the Unknown (2009 Summer): I was one of the three students that were chosen to hold the wreath and lay it down for the ceremony.
Key Club (2009-2011): Volunteering to organizations and helping make the community a better place to live in. The club will be a choice for the following years in high school.
Vietnamese Club (2009-2011): A club that is open to all students to learn more about the Asian culture, especially the Vietnamese culture, and being proud of my heritage. Also, I became the Historian (position) for the club after the first half of freshmen year, and received the “Most Active Member” award.
VAHSA (2009-2011): Vietnamese-American High School Alliance – Volunteering for community service such as the Tet Festival and overlooking all the VSA’s (Viet Clubs) at each high school that is participating.
MISS (2010 Summer): Mathematics Intensive Summer Session – Learned Algebra 2 ahead of time at Cal State Fullerton for the upcoming school year.
History Club (2010-2011): Learning more about history, watching movies related to it, and going on field trips to museums for more knowledge.
Class of 2013 (2011): Participating as a member to fundraise for our class’s Prom, having school spirit, and organizing all the important events for 2013 students.
Environmental Club (2011): Learning more about how products such as plastic affect the Earth and what we could do to help. Also, this helps in-coming students next year to understand what AP Environmental Science is all about.
Boys’ and Girls’ Club (2009-2011): Staying afterschool to do homework, play sports, volunteer, etc.
Tutoring Center (2010-2011): help found this with others and it starts afterschool everyday of the weekday, to help students that are failing classes or want to do better to achieve their goals. Also, to boost their grade up and activeness in school. This is a work of volunteering and self-improvement for tutors and tutees.
AP World Tutoring (2010-2011): After school tutoring every Wednesday for AP World and preparing for the AP exam with the teacher.
AFS (2010-2011): American Field Service - Help found this club at Santiago High School for students to start next year, begin fundraising, and travel to other countries to do community service or learn there.
Poetry Slam (2011): Creating our own unique poems and performing it in front of others.
Do you know how tired I get? I feel like I'm old now even though I'm just 16. I have WRINKLES on my fucking forehead without even trying because I'm so used to frowning. I'm unhappy with life. I feel like there's no purpose. I won't die, but I'm already tired. I keep saying I'm tired, but trust me...it's a million other things. I just want love. I just want freedom...I don't know.
As for friends, it's getting better. I don't mind the old people much now and I'm just trying to find quality in friends instead of quantity. Now that I think about it...there's so many people...including online people...that I don't talk to anymore, and I miss them. I remember when my mom was in the hospital that one summer...they helped me so much...What happened...? One big thing though that really upsets me is Keem. Her boyfriend recently broke up with her and she said he told her he just didn't know what he wanted...What does that mean? I asked guys about that and they mainly said there's no more feelings. Why are guys so hurtful and confusing? He was a friend of mine; a good boy too. It was the first good boy that she's dated and she really likes him. I thought they would last because they seemed so right together and she was so content with how life was...she was always smiling when I saw her. Every feature became beautiful, but ever since that day....She was sad during break...I didn't know why and she told me she was going to leave to go to a teacher's room. This was the day after I had talked to her boyfriend at the vball game afterschool. He asked me about school and stuff and I kind of got emotional, but I was okay...I left. I wrote him a letter that night though to apologize for being rude and I gave it to him during break. So anyway, when she left...I told him to go after her and he did....After that I don't know what happened...He must have broke up with her...I don't know why....I felt like it was my fault. During P.E. I thought she was angry at me....She was crying...I left her alone and later...I found out what had happened. She wasn't angry at me. She was heartbroken and at nadir. It hurt me a lot too because she's close to me and I couldn't do much. I would tell her to get over it, but that's really mean. But it's true...only you can fix up your heart...no one else can. Her other friends....would tell her to go find another boy and stuff, but that's not how life/love works...you're just going to hurt yourself over and over and the other person as well. It's like...would you really be happy with another person when your heart is really just yearning for that one? Also...love is right in front of you....You just need to open up your eyes to see that it's there all along...your family. Trust me...there's no one that you can trust more than them...and if you can't even trust them, then what is life? So to continue....it's been depressing me a lot to hear about her depression and how she hates her mom and life. I honestly like to help, but sometimes...things are just too much. I'm tired.
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