You're so confusing
I hate this feeling where I'm alright next to you as if I don't give a care about the world and you can take me anywhere, but then reality hits. I can't always be with you. You have your dreams and if I made you stay or something...I'll just be weighing you down. I told you I don't like telling people my thoughts and such because I get needy and attached. Well that's what's happening now. I feel so attached and I know you said you want to travel, move, get away as soon as possible, but I don't want you to. I need you. I like you. I want you to stay and relax. I don't want you to rush your life...I wanna be part of it. I just...I'll just make the best of the time for now. Well you said you wanna adopt kids rather than have some of your own, but you said you wanted to be with someone that's other than your own race. You hate annoying people. I'm annoying aren't I? Haha I dunno. You have so many goals and dreams and I really admire it, but it makes me feel so dreamless. Like..what happened to me? I used to have so many goals/dreams and now I realized that it's been forgotten or gone. I just have them, but never thought of putting them into action like you. Today as we went to the library. I actually didn't think a lot and it felt really calm and nice. I like that. I never really get to stop thinking so that was nice. I felt too quiet though...Sorry. I was tired and plus I got my blood taken today in like four tubes and I didn't eat much. You can't eat for 10 hrs before a blood test so that is what I did. After getting that, I went to the grocery store with my mom until he came over today. I didn't get to eat so when we were going to go to the bus, he got us Carls' Jr. He's so nice, but he really didn't need to spend that money. I know he needs it. So fast-forwarding...we came to the library and he met Sheryl, Desiree, and this other guy to talk about his screenplay of an anime that he's creating. When he and Desiree were talking...I couldn't help but stare at him a lot. I tried to look away also so that it wouldn't be too obvious, but I was just there. He's 18. I couldn't believe it. I always thought he was 17 or something....yes I know...one year...big difference. It is though...He's an adult. I never knew until today. I felt kind of unspecial too because I know he doesn't just tell me things....he tells a lot of other people too. Ehh opsaogj[s[iphsro/. Anyway, no wonder everything about him is so much more mature than other guys. I really like mature people. His eyes, his smiles, his jaw line...ugh. I hate how I just couldn't stop. Lol, sounds so creepy Anne. It's true though....-sigh- I wish I could put it into words - how I feel - but I can't because I don't know how to describe it. I like everything about him so much, but it hurts at the same timee. Why? And I love how he says "Why? Because.." Haha, that's what I do too. He told me that if I learn how to play Hey There Delilah, he'll sing for me. That's so unfair because I have such a hard time getting down two chords on the guitar...let alone a song. Grr...it's gonna take awhile. And his height....I can't really look up at him unless when he talks or else it will be so obvious. I think I gave myself away big time today though with who I like. Fudge.
I hate how this hurts so much, but is so wonderful at the same timee. I needa escape. Anyway, so it was like 4 something and it didn't seem like he was done talking about his script so I decided to call my dad on his cell, but it was dying and I forgot mine at home -________-". I literally sat there for like 5-10 mins. trying to figure out which was the call button because I couldn't find it and all I saw was the msg, menu, and end button....Finally found it though lol -facepalm-. When I called, my dad got all angry at me...yes I know my fault for calling and asking to go home when he is busy. He had to go pick me up and I waited for like a long ass time outside of the library...afraid that he didn't know the way because there's two sides that he could have been at, but I can't be at both. I had to like ask a stranger and his daughter to borrow their phone to call him. I felt bad for holding them up, but at the same timee thankful. Goodday to them. As for my dad...he finally comes and lectures me. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I know I was wrong for going and stuff, but I learned how to use the bus today. I learned a lot of him and about my life. It's an experience. I'm sorry though dad....I didn't get to say that to you personally face to face; I'm sorry. That's the last time I ever get to go out without having them care -_- . While on the way home, I was thinking 'Shit. My mom's going to hate me even more if my dad is already this pissed'. Usually my dad doesn't get that angry with me because we're closer to each other, but when he does....it's serious :l. So yeahhh....I was scared lol..My dad was late for work and everything and when I got home, surprisingly, my mom was okay. She actually laughed at how I didn't know the streets, but still went. Wtheck. That was so wack, but I liked it because I felt lucky. After I went in my room to clean up and stuff and he called. I decided not to pick up after like 20 mins and then called him again. LOL I wanted to make him all worried, but he probably wasn't. I called back and he asked if I was home. Lol...well no duh, or else I wouldn't be answering him haha, but yeahh so we talked a bit and stuff like that. He said he would call again when he got home...Well it's like 10:13 p.m. right now and he hasn't. Grawr. He probably forgot...I was waiting too 'cause I purposely went outside to bike around and even went to Peter's and stuff. It was nice though...the wind blowing through my hair and the beautiful sky near sun down. (My mom is currently nagging about the bus -_- great) Betty called and stuff when I was at Peter's and we had a pretty good talk. During my time back to my house, I went the back way of Peter's and I was like really pushing through the grass....which was like really tough...and suddenly I saw a big dog. I was like holy shit in my head...freaking out and all (and I was so glad I stopped). Imagine if I ran, but I know better than that so I stopped my bike and just sat there. It like came up to me and was going to like jump on me and stuff, but I just got so scared and I couldn't do anything. Amazingly its owner was there.. He asked if I liked dogs and I said "No. I'm scared of dogs." Lol. I'm so lame. I ended up walking my bike to the back gate until I couldn't see them anymore so I could be safe Dx.
Oh...on the first day of break. Well...Friday afterschool when break started...I went to Melissa. I remember her brother made me feed her dog, Biscuit. She's nice and all, but me + dogs = me freaking out. I really did. I didn't know I would be that afraid of dogs. I was suppose to toss the treat to her, but I just like dropped it...after Melissa didn't want to save me LOL...so yeah, that was something new. I accomplished that even though it was probably nothing to some of you guys. It's babysteps..I'm getting there. Well that's my day today.
April 20, 2011
I hate how this hurts so much, but is so wonderful at the same timee. I needa escape. Anyway, so it was like 4 something and it didn't seem like he was done talking about his script so I decided to call my dad on his cell, but it was dying and I forgot mine at home -________-". I literally sat there for like 5-10 mins. trying to figure out which was the call button because I couldn't find it and all I saw was the msg, menu, and end button....Finally found it though lol -facepalm-. When I called, my dad got all angry at me...yes I know my fault for calling and asking to go home when he is busy. He had to go pick me up and I waited for like a long ass time outside of the library...afraid that he didn't know the way because there's two sides that he could have been at, but I can't be at both. I had to like ask a stranger and his daughter to borrow their phone to call him. I felt bad for holding them up, but at the same timee thankful. Goodday to them. As for my dad...he finally comes and lectures me. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I know I was wrong for going and stuff, but I learned how to use the bus today. I learned a lot of him and about my life. It's an experience. I'm sorry though dad....I didn't get to say that to you personally face to face; I'm sorry. That's the last time I ever get to go out without having them care -_- . While on the way home, I was thinking 'Shit. My mom's going to hate me even more if my dad is already this pissed'. Usually my dad doesn't get that angry with me because we're closer to each other, but when he does....it's serious :l. So yeahhh....I was scared lol..My dad was late for work and everything and when I got home, surprisingly, my mom was okay. She actually laughed at how I didn't know the streets, but still went. Wtheck. That was so wack, but I liked it because I felt lucky. After I went in my room to clean up and stuff and he called. I decided not to pick up after like 20 mins and then called him again. LOL I wanted to make him all worried, but he probably wasn't. I called back and he asked if I was home. Lol...well no duh, or else I wouldn't be answering him haha, but yeahh so we talked a bit and stuff like that. He said he would call again when he got home...Well it's like 10:13 p.m. right now and he hasn't. Grawr. He probably forgot...I was waiting too 'cause I purposely went outside to bike around and even went to Peter's and stuff. It was nice though...the wind blowing through my hair and the beautiful sky near sun down. (My mom is currently nagging about the bus -_- great) Betty called and stuff when I was at Peter's and we had a pretty good talk. During my time back to my house, I went the back way of Peter's and I was like really pushing through the grass....which was like really tough...and suddenly I saw a big dog. I was like holy shit in my head...freaking out and all (and I was so glad I stopped). Imagine if I ran, but I know better than that so I stopped my bike and just sat there. It like came up to me and was going to like jump on me and stuff, but I just got so scared and I couldn't do anything. Amazingly its owner was there.. He asked if I liked dogs and I said "No. I'm scared of dogs." Lol. I'm so lame. I ended up walking my bike to the back gate until I couldn't see them anymore so I could be safe Dx.
Oh...on the first day of break. Well...Friday afterschool when break started...I went to Melissa. I remember her brother made me feed her dog, Biscuit. She's nice and all, but me + dogs = me freaking out. I really did. I didn't know I would be that afraid of dogs. I was suppose to toss the treat to her, but I just like dropped it...after Melissa didn't want to save me LOL...so yeah, that was something new. I accomplished that even though it was probably nothing to some of you guys. It's babysteps..I'm getting there. Well that's my day today.
April 20, 2011
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