Jealousy
It's the worst feeling ever. I'm jealous of people that you tell secrets to. I thought you trusted me enough to tell me anything...Now we talk, but it's about ehh nothing really that important. I wish I just could earn your trust even if it's been like 3 years...
I'm jealous of other girls. I know I'm beautiful. I tell myself it everyday. I love myself, believe me I do, but when it comes to guys...I can't. I just feel as if I need to mask everything. I'm so self-conscious. I have to get ready and know what to wear even if I don't have the money to afford the best clothes to look nice. They don't even know. Now Jason comes in my life for like 5/6 days? And now we're barely talking. I really hate relationships. I wanna just be forever alone, but at the same time I don't. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings nevertheless other's. I just hate how you can talk so much to one person, get used to it, and they can just so easily walk out of your life in a second....Why can't I do that? Why is it so hard for me, but so easy for others? I can't even forget the past. I'm attached. I think I'm going to go to the doctor...whenever and tell him my problems. I'm going to tell him I always feel depressed and I really really do try, but it really is hard for me. Just awhile ago, I was standing alone in the house kitchen and I cried while making food. I just feel so helpless. I know I shouldn't pity for myself...and I'm not. I just feel like this. People say it could be a gene disorder. I really hope not...I love to smile and laugh...I hate crying so much, but here it comes again.
I'm going to the beach in less than an hour -sigh- It doesn't even look sunny, but wtheck. I hope it's fun. I know though...I'm just going to mask everything and later on, I'm just going to end up feeling the same shit. Fuck everyone. No one even cares. It's just a one time thing.
You say that death is part of life. I'm so fucking sorry that your uncle died. I'm sorry your grandpa is getting there, but let me tell you something...This could be ridiculously cruel, but I need my parents. I need all of them, both of them...not one. Your grandpa....has had his time and you still have your parents and you live in a house. Be thankful. I can't afford to lose either one of my parents. If my dad was gone....we would get kicked out of this apartment. If my mom were to be gone, my dad would be the abusive dad...trust me, I know. Sigh, time to get ready.
I'm jealous of other girls. I know I'm beautiful. I tell myself it everyday. I love myself, believe me I do, but when it comes to guys...I can't. I just feel as if I need to mask everything. I'm so self-conscious. I have to get ready and know what to wear even if I don't have the money to afford the best clothes to look nice. They don't even know. Now Jason comes in my life for like 5/6 days? And now we're barely talking. I really hate relationships. I wanna just be forever alone, but at the same time I don't. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings nevertheless other's. I just hate how you can talk so much to one person, get used to it, and they can just so easily walk out of your life in a second....Why can't I do that? Why is it so hard for me, but so easy for others? I can't even forget the past. I'm attached. I think I'm going to go to the doctor...whenever and tell him my problems. I'm going to tell him I always feel depressed and I really really do try, but it really is hard for me. Just awhile ago, I was standing alone in the house kitchen and I cried while making food. I just feel so helpless. I know I shouldn't pity for myself...and I'm not. I just feel like this. People say it could be a gene disorder. I really hope not...I love to smile and laugh...I hate crying so much, but here it comes again.
I'm going to the beach in less than an hour -sigh- It doesn't even look sunny, but wtheck. I hope it's fun. I know though...I'm just going to mask everything and later on, I'm just going to end up feeling the same shit. Fuck everyone. No one even cares. It's just a one time thing.
You say that death is part of life. I'm so fucking sorry that your uncle died. I'm sorry your grandpa is getting there, but let me tell you something...This could be ridiculously cruel, but I need my parents. I need all of them, both of them...not one. Your grandpa....has had his time and you still have your parents and you live in a house. Be thankful. I can't afford to lose either one of my parents. If my dad was gone....we would get kicked out of this apartment. If my mom were to be gone, my dad would be the abusive dad...trust me, I know. Sigh, time to get ready.
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