Bullying

I remember that one time when I talked to Mrs. Wu. Well I emailed her about my problems since she's always so busy and I was always so busy when she wasn't. I remember telling her about my brother and sister and then came to realize that we have all been bullied. Him, her, and me. Yet I had not realized it. It was in the back of my mind, something I try to ignore. But I guess it's all good now, but still. People think that just because someone is strong, they don't have feelings. Or well they do, but they can fend for themselves. Yeah they can fight for themselves, but we have feelings too. We sometimes break down and need someone to comfort, but hardly anyone cares about another. Everything comes with a price/need. Just because it's the past doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just because it's just words doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's a mental pain and I will remember your words. I will remember how you told me that we weren't giving you food or doing a party at home or anything so why should you give us presents. So why do you expect me to give you something? I would because I actually am okay with you, but I don't have the money, and yet you want to ask something from me. Yet everyone asks from the girl that's struggling to survive. No one knows that. Yeah, I come off prestigious and I look like I'm living okay. No. I'm not. Stop it. Stop thinking that I have money to spend on everyone. I want to be genuinely nice, but genuinely nice doesn't mean getting you expensive gifts or flattering you. If you need me to do that, then you aren't a good person. I don't have the money to eat at a fancy restaurant. I'm socially awkward because I can't go outside as much as I make it seem. I know people, but they don't know me. No one understands. You live your life comfortably and yet you're complaining. What about me? What about those worse than you? You DON'T care. You might, but the next minute you forget about it. That's what's so terrible about people. We're all greedy and selfish. Even I am. I want to be happy. I want my happiness, but yet I give it up so others can be happy. I've never had a good birthday. Why the fuck should I treat you when you don't even invite me? And then when you do, you end up having fun without me? I invite you to mine and you ask who's going. All you ever are is someone who is going to be influenced by others. That's terribly sad. All you ever are is a follower and a person who just goes to places because there's certain people there. You don't know how to have fun. Your words hurt people like me. Yeah you say you want to go, but did you? No. You ask who's going...well you know...that already tells me that I'm not important enough for you to go. You need someone who you actually really like to be there for you to be there too. That is a slap to my face. And then what? You ask like a month later when I'm going to have my birthday party. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sorry this is a long time ago, last year, but I haven't ever written about it. It makes me so amazed at how you can play stupid. I invited you. You didn't go. It was my 16th too, and it sucked. Lemme just tell you that. Three people. My sophomore year. That was terrible. The worst year with the worst people. Thanks. I at least know who's real. Even the one far away, Betty came. Seriously? And then you came to ask me that? And then tell me you didn't know I had one...You have offended me so many times. You have been wrong and won't admit it. You act stupid so you can avoid some things. You avoid when I need to talk about something that's bothering me. Yet you need to talk when there's something important. WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING FRIEND ARE YOU? I've been standing up to you ever since last year, but sometimes I just stop because I value friendship more than winning an argument, but seriously? You don't know when your limits are and you don't know when to stop. Sometimes you should step down and realize that you are immature and younger than I am. Age doesn't define you? Yeah it does. I try and try and try to be nice. I let those who talk shit, talk their shit. I ignore it even if it's about me, but don't you think there's a limit to what you say? You're so stupid and yet you don't admit it. Society fucking sucks. Why? Because they don't mind someone talking shit and gossiping, and the shy/quiet one stays quiet, but when the quiet one stands up for themselves...Those people turn around and say that the quiet person is a bitch....for what? STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES. What's wrong with that? I don't think there's anything wrong, but apparently people do. Why is it so wrong? I think it's because it's so new to them that they take it as a shock. They get all scared that this quiet person can actually speak up and then talk about it, and then it all becomes the telephone game where it turns into stupid rumors that didn't even exist in the first place. You aren't a fucking bitch when you stand up for yourself. I learned that the hard way. I am never a bitch and I will never be anyone's bitch. I stand up for myself because I don't want to be stepped on by others. I don't need people to tell me what's wrong and what's right because in my heart and conscience, I know what is. Yin and Yang. This is why I hate society. The fucked up people can't admit they're fucked up. They go and hide it and then take it out on others. You are not the only one with problems. Think before you say something because it can take a life. I would know this. I remember last summer when all I wanted to do was screw up somewhere and get hurt. I wished for a car to hit me or something. I wished it so badly so that I didn't have to commit suicide, but it never happened. It never did. It's still hard to stop thinking it, sometimes it comes back and as much as people can think of me as crazy. I'm more sane than anyone can be. I know a lot of things and I have a lot of dreams. I can accomplish many things and yeah I may not be able to play sports, sing well, dance well, but I know how to love and I know how to be happy. I know that love is really family and I don't need people like him. I had fallen and I had picked myself up many times. I know this is just a search for identity, and it's quite tough, but damn some people can be mean. I hope though that for once in my life, something better can happen. I know my life is already good and I'm thankful for everything. I probably won't ever be able to name everything I'm thankful for, but I know it in my heart. I remind myself from time to time, not just on Thanksgiving. I know I have it good, but I just hope I get something better. I really hope for a healthy family and just this once...for things to work out with him. I wish he feels the same way. Maybe he won't but at least he'll accept it and not find it awkward. I just want to fall hopelessly in love and have love returned. I just want my family to finally realize the true meanings of life and be happy and live well. I hope I don't lose my parents. Not now anyway and not soon.