I don't know what I feel
I feel ugh, but I don't know how to explain it. No words. I tried to talk to her. I msged her twice. Both times she said she had to go and she left quickly without letting me say bye. I don't know what's wrong. Is it my fault Kristen? I'm hurt. I wish I knew what's wrong so I don't have to keep feeling like this. I don't want to guess. I don't want to feel like I did something wrong. I just want to know if I did something wrong so I could fix it now. I know I've made my secrets video yesterday for youtube and tumblr. Some people are probably going to think I'm doing it for attention. I'm not. I did it to let go of things. I did it for my friends that are like that. I did it so I could let people know I have less to hide. I am more of me then I was before.
Okay actually...I do want people's attention, but it's not like I'm doing things for fun. I'm doing this for myself. I want to let go of my hurt. I can't take everything and have it bottled up anymore. Yesterday, I was sitting on my lil sis's computer. I cried. I felt the need to do it. I told youtubers and people that I'm getting better. Yeah I am, but at the same time I know I'm not because I'm so hurt nowadays that I can't even cry. I stopped, but yesterday was the first time I did again after like 3/4 days. He told me I should be happy. I tried and I faked it for him. He said he was tired and he felt like he had a headache and didn't feel well. I can't do anything because I sit here and not there. It's a distance. I told him myself that I can't do anything...and the most I could do is make him happy. That's really all I could do. Make him happy. Even if it makes me sad. He probably was like...what, why would you be sad? Maybe he'll understand one day when he loves another one. Anyway, I don't know what to do.
My friend...she likes my ex...my ex is also my close friend. He just got over her, got over the girl yesterday and now he's on another one. Yesterday he was so sad because of that chick...he said, "No more girls for me." WHAT are you doing now...? Another girl? Please, I know it's hard, but just stop and think about it. Is it worth a repeat? Is the time worth it? Is your feelings worth it? I know you're hurt and sometimes when people give advice...there's that part of you that understands it, but the other part is just like..."I don't want to give them up because what if....?" Yes, I know "what if...", but have you not seen what I've gone through? I'm like dying quietly. I have no more energy. I might smile a lot when people hang with me, but if you really saw....those little moments when I'm sitting there quiet...you would know that I'm not really me. I'm tired. Relationships are a part of this hurt. I don't want you to be like that. Most importantly though....have you seen what you've been through?
Then there's those friends that I know...they go through the same as me...maybee they do, maybee they don't. I don't really know, but I just wish they tried you know? If they could just let out their feelings..they would feel like they're not alone. I know it wouldn't help much, but it helps.
Then there's those stupid people who say "Trust love a bit". FUCK, I've trusted this all my life....and you know what...it hurts. A lot.
My secrets video is nothing...you really wanna know some true ass fucking secrets? I'll give you some right now:
1) I've cried in the closet...hid in there before when I was younger because I was so hurt.
2) My mom called me stupid..she might not remember because it was a long time ago, but I do.
3) I'm not really smart...I just try my best in things to prove ^^^^ wrong.
4) My mom is terribly sick even if she might not seem like it
5) I look for love because I feel no love
6) I don't date to date...I fall for guys easily though
7) I've had many guys break my heart....I was so hurt once...I two timed. NO. I dated many boys at once. Too many to count, but I stopped because I THOUGHT I had found the one. It wasn't
8) I expect the worst so I won't be disappointed...it's not being negative...it's being smart.
9) I wished a guy would run after me and really truely love me.
10) My dad is the only one that works...I'm the oldest...I don't seem like I help my parents much, but I worry...I fret. I cry. I wish I could help
11) I want to have a job and help my dad..he didn't let me though and I cried.
12) I will always cry when I talk about family...I might not seem like I care about my fam, but I really do. Always.
13) My brother was bullied in grade school...he had no friends...I was small...I didn't know. Now that I do know...I wish I coulda been nicer to him...So now whenever he gets bullied...I'm there standing up for him. I get so angry at the bully....I cry. I know it seems weak, but I would like just cuss the hell outta the boy and cry and then report him to whatever the hell there is because I don't want my brother like that anymore.
14) I sit here typing the crap and I'm crying.
15) I might not cut myself and try suicide, but sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if I disappeared.
16) I'm very sad that I can't be in pre-cal like every other fucking asian because I know I could do it.
17) I get fucking grey hair. It's genes from my dad. Premature grey hair. I hate it. I don't mind, but seriously I just wish I didn't have to dye my hair because it's killing my hair. I want the smooth asian hair, not this shit.
18) I weigh more than I look and I just hate it when people wear like size 5 and complain their shit okay?
19) I'm poor, I can't afford to go school shopping like everyone else. I want to, but I know I shouldn't for my dad.
20) I tell myself I'm going to get somewhere some day and help out my dad...let my parents live a good life...I don't really have a goal anymore of what to be. I don't know what I want to be anymore....
21) My dad always tells me even if he's down and needs help...he's never going to beg. He would only just use his own hands to work his way up, I want to do that too..
22) I know some of you guys know me as the oldest in my family...I'm not.
23) My brother could have died a bunch of times.
24) If things had worked out...this would have been a family of four.
25) that's all for now
Thank you for reading.
Okay actually...I do want people's attention, but it's not like I'm doing things for fun. I'm doing this for myself. I want to let go of my hurt. I can't take everything and have it bottled up anymore. Yesterday, I was sitting on my lil sis's computer. I cried. I felt the need to do it. I told youtubers and people that I'm getting better. Yeah I am, but at the same time I know I'm not because I'm so hurt nowadays that I can't even cry. I stopped, but yesterday was the first time I did again after like 3/4 days. He told me I should be happy. I tried and I faked it for him. He said he was tired and he felt like he had a headache and didn't feel well. I can't do anything because I sit here and not there. It's a distance. I told him myself that I can't do anything...and the most I could do is make him happy. That's really all I could do. Make him happy. Even if it makes me sad. He probably was like...what, why would you be sad? Maybe he'll understand one day when he loves another one. Anyway, I don't know what to do.
My friend...she likes my ex...my ex is also my close friend. He just got over her, got over the girl yesterday and now he's on another one. Yesterday he was so sad because of that chick...he said, "No more girls for me." WHAT are you doing now...? Another girl? Please, I know it's hard, but just stop and think about it. Is it worth a repeat? Is the time worth it? Is your feelings worth it? I know you're hurt and sometimes when people give advice...there's that part of you that understands it, but the other part is just like..."I don't want to give them up because what if....?" Yes, I know "what if...", but have you not seen what I've gone through? I'm like dying quietly. I have no more energy. I might smile a lot when people hang with me, but if you really saw....those little moments when I'm sitting there quiet...you would know that I'm not really me. I'm tired. Relationships are a part of this hurt. I don't want you to be like that. Most importantly though....have you seen what you've been through?
Then there's those friends that I know...they go through the same as me...maybee they do, maybee they don't. I don't really know, but I just wish they tried you know? If they could just let out their feelings..they would feel like they're not alone. I know it wouldn't help much, but it helps.
Then there's those stupid people who say "Trust love a bit". FUCK, I've trusted this all my life....and you know what...it hurts. A lot.
My secrets video is nothing...you really wanna know some true ass fucking secrets? I'll give you some right now:
1) I've cried in the closet...hid in there before when I was younger because I was so hurt.
2) My mom called me stupid..she might not remember because it was a long time ago, but I do.
3) I'm not really smart...I just try my best in things to prove ^^^^ wrong.
4) My mom is terribly sick even if she might not seem like it
5) I look for love because I feel no love
6) I don't date to date...I fall for guys easily though
7) I've had many guys break my heart....I was so hurt once...I two timed. NO. I dated many boys at once. Too many to count, but I stopped because I THOUGHT I had found the one. It wasn't
8) I expect the worst so I won't be disappointed...it's not being negative...it's being smart.
9) I wished a guy would run after me and really truely love me.
10) My dad is the only one that works...I'm the oldest...I don't seem like I help my parents much, but I worry...I fret. I cry. I wish I could help
11) I want to have a job and help my dad..he didn't let me though and I cried.
12) I will always cry when I talk about family...I might not seem like I care about my fam, but I really do. Always.
13) My brother was bullied in grade school...he had no friends...I was small...I didn't know. Now that I do know...I wish I coulda been nicer to him...So now whenever he gets bullied...I'm there standing up for him. I get so angry at the bully....I cry. I know it seems weak, but I would like just cuss the hell outta the boy and cry and then report him to whatever the hell there is because I don't want my brother like that anymore.
14) I sit here typing the crap and I'm crying.
15) I might not cut myself and try suicide, but sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if I disappeared.
16) I'm very sad that I can't be in pre-cal like every other fucking asian because I know I could do it.
17) I get fucking grey hair. It's genes from my dad. Premature grey hair. I hate it. I don't mind, but seriously I just wish I didn't have to dye my hair because it's killing my hair. I want the smooth asian hair, not this shit.
18) I weigh more than I look and I just hate it when people wear like size 5 and complain their shit okay?
19) I'm poor, I can't afford to go school shopping like everyone else. I want to, but I know I shouldn't for my dad.
20) I tell myself I'm going to get somewhere some day and help out my dad...let my parents live a good life...I don't really have a goal anymore of what to be. I don't know what I want to be anymore....
21) My dad always tells me even if he's down and needs help...he's never going to beg. He would only just use his own hands to work his way up, I want to do that too..
22) I know some of you guys know me as the oldest in my family...I'm not.
23) My brother could have died a bunch of times.
24) If things had worked out...this would have been a family of four.
25) that's all for now
Thank you for reading.
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