Lust hurts

Sometimes I wonder why I still try. Then again I realize...It's who and how I am. I can't give up. I miss the way things were. I hate knowing that I'm not special. I'd rather just be a friend then know that I WAS special. There's so many things I wish I could just tell you, but I know it's not the same anymore..I feel really sad and it's just that you don't know it....but I really do...I miss the way things were and idk how you feel anymore...why can't you just tell me already and let me get over it. Wouldn't it be better for me to know and get over it....but you still won't tell me...why is that? What's holding you back? I'm okay, I can handle it. I really just want to get over you becuz I'm so tired of falling over and over for you. I haven't looked at your videos and pictures and stuff because I don't want to see/remember what you look like...if I saw..I would fall again...it hurts me a lot...why can't you tell? Today's the first day we actually had a nice talk, but right now it's really ehh because I don't feel like trying to talk or be happy. I don't like crying. My eyes are just done...It doesn't shed tears anymore. I have to try to cry if I wanted to cry, and that's not what I want at all. Homecoming is in two weeks....so is my friend's birthday and a wedding. I hope I can go to all. I want to have fun...forget all the bad things for awhile. School is the only thing that occupies me the longest nowadays and I don't want it to be. I wish I could just live normally instead of being so fucked up. I don't even go home early because I have nothing to do. I do homework late so that I could be really tired then fall asleep. I know that if I'm not tired...I wouldn't be able to sleep until 1 and it frustrates me when I can't so yeah...I go to tennis practice and I go to volleyball games just to pass time. I do extra work just so I could pass more time. I am mentally tired, but I can't seem to rid of "it". When I lay down...it's like my body dies. You know what I mean? I feel every bone in my body ache and just break down. It's tired to the extent, but I have to keep myself occupied or I'm just going to end up all bad again. I have bags under my eyes, my face is a mess, my hair is shit. I hate how I am now. I feel so old. I walk with my mentor last Friday...I couldn't find the words to talk. I didn't know what to say. I looked away and down a lot. I laughed every now and then, but it's not true. I want someone to make me really smile and be happy. I don't want to laugh and not mean it and then later feel so disappointed in myself that I can't even cry. I don't want to ruin my eyes...it's like blurry and I don't fricking no what's wrong with my body. My stomach keeps aching and I haven't been on it for quite awhile. I'm not prego shit, but I just want to know what's up with me. I'm tired of telling people things...of what's wrong with me....It just makes me feel like I'm weaker and weaker by the day. I really want to be able to go buy a dress that flatters me this weekend. I need the self-confidence boost. I want to own the dress. I don't want to borrow Betty's blue one. It fits me perfectly, but I don't want to have to borrow it....I need to feel good.....I want to people to see that I'm not ugly. I want them to see that I could be better and that this is what I am....I don't want people to keep using me. Ever since school came...people only talked to me because they needed help...it frustrates me. I do that at times too, but I repay them...these people...they do it so that it's just in your face...you get what I'm saying? It makes me angry. I actually like my body. I don't look like I weigh a lot...or that's what people think. I would ask them how much they thought I weigh....I would get 110-145pds. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but no. I don't weigh that little. Yes, little. I have to say I look good for what I weigh. I don't know if it's muscles or bones or fat, but I don't look like it....I guess I'm lucky for that. I wish I could understand/speak Chinese....I would really want to sing their songs. I'm half Chinese, but all I could do is listen....Honestly..in the morning, sometimes, I want to just get in the driver's side and ram the car somewhere....ahaha crazy chick here. No. I'm just curious and tired. My mom's been like pmsing or something....yelling at me a lot more...hope it's nothing bad...-sigh-. I've been pushing a lot of people away lately...I'm sorry.

"Sometimes things can't be changed."

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I hate it when you make me feel bad that I'm not talking to you....it's like you have no one to talk to you...when I ask...Don't you have other people to talk to...you say no. Ugh I feel bad. I feel like you only talk to me because there's no one else to talk to. Why don't you just leave already?